I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad

My mother wants to know if I'm writing something happy. It makes me so angry. I hate being babysat. If I want to fuck up my life, let me. God, I'm just so angry. This is my space is it not? I want ONE area where I can just do what I want, where it's not regulated. They say "no you can make any choice you want" but I'm even too afraid to ask to go to my friends' volleyball game, because I know I'll get this: "No, there's Activity club. You can go to that, or you can stay home and stay off the comp and no texting" I'm not allowed to have my own phone, really. I was supposed to be on the volleyball team, but 'It takes too much time out of church activities'. I've been trying to condition myself for track this year, but I'm too nervous to ask. The answer will most likely be no. I think I'm going insane. I know everyone feels like that, but god, I'm going to crash. And you know what they'll say? "you're doing so poorly because you aren't following church" dear god, I'm so angry.
Why couldn't we just be together for the six months? It would be six months in heaven. I decided that I'm going to spend lunch in the library, because I dont want to go back to the church kids table, because that drags me back ten feet that I've taken. I don't know if I can sit with my school friends, cause he will be there, and I love him too much. It sounds stupid to everyone but him and I, and the situation is crushing. A part of me wants to go to school on Tuesday, and just... pretend this whole thing never happened. But then there's the army. The stupid goddamn army. I want to scream at him, and cry, and ask him why, because we're both miserable apart, and worried together. I' rather be worried. But it's his life. I just have to try to respect his choices, no matter how pissed off I am. And also I want to block my mother from reading this. I wish I could. It's MY choice.
I never said it, but months ago, this whole thing is why I wanted to leave this town, leave this school, leave everything. I know I can't run, but at least I could be in a place where I'm not hopelessly in love. And I know, the church says that isn't real. But with all my heart it felt real, so does it matter? Real and Not Real is an opinion. If I was allowed to leave then, I don't know where I would be now, but I don't think it would be here. In a way, I'm glad I didn't leave, because I would never get to experience this. It was amazing to me, and deep down I still have a hope that it can work. I wish I could somehow convince him that no matter what, I'm not going anywhere. I'm the last person in this world that would be unfaithful to him. This sounds insane. I'm fifteen- almost sixteen. But my mother met the man she has spent her life with when she was that age, so why not me? There is always the part when he gets back, and maybe...just maybe he'll let me wait for him. I will. I swear it. I want to make this work, and I'm not going to give up. I'll wait for him, because he's worth every second. I wouldn't ever say it if I doubted it. I can't get up without him.