Shamandalie

I'm feeling a little better. I think I will go back to school on Monday. Today was really fun. We went to the mall and ran around to find things for our game and stuff. I tried on a hilarious dress. It was really nice to see Carrie. I'm pulling an all nighter with Emily tonight so we can move her into her new apartment. We're going grocery shopping and everything. I'm already tired! I hope the days will keep getting better.

Pretending

The little things

People always tell you to enjoy the little things in life. I'm trying to find them, trying to get my mind off things, my guilt. I try to write things, but I always find that what I write brings me back to everything. I can't find it in myself to return to the story I've spent six months writing. I don't have the guts to. Maybe I'll finish it in a few months. Who knows? I'd like to say my whole perspective on life has changed but it simply hasn't. I just have a lead feeling in my stomach constantly and an overwhelming guilt that I get to bring around with me! I'm not ready to make big choices, I guess, because I suck at them. I do everything wrong. So tonight, I'm going to go with the youth girls to stay in a hotel, where we'll meet up with the Connecticut girls. Tomorrow we're going to the mall and having a scavenger hunt. I just want to get out of the house and see my friends. I might go back to school next week, and I might not. I haven't decided yet. There are some people (as in one) I absolutely dread to see because I feel so terrible, but on the other hand I don't want to be in this house every single day. I would get bloody cabin fever. I wish I could just switch to Weedsport, but that's not possible, I guess. I just have to deal with everything. Whew! I sound like I'm crazy. I have to go entertain myself and I don't know what I'm going to do.

hafta rewrite this one.

Here's the partly good news! Caroline is, in fact coming here. As far as I know she'll be staying at my house, rather than Ellen's which is really good news. I don't know what we'll do, now that I'll be homeschooling. Haha yes, my house is a typical American school. I wonder if it would pass for one?
I can't bring myself to finish my story now. I fucked up big time and every time I read the words from that story I can't deal. I started a new one with a completely different subject, but I doubt it will fly. Rather it will crash in an ocean of confused words and jumbled phrases, and there, it will drown and die away in my notebook. It's about a girl who's trying to deal with the fact that her mother has died of cancer and that within four months of her death her father has remarried and ignores her. The girl's big brother is away at college, and when he's home, he is reckless. I don't know what it's about, really. Probably some girl trying to deal with her fears and emotions. Can you say Cliche? They say that when one reads a book, a lot of the writer's emotions and feelings are engraved in the story. I can see that with my own story. I choose very, very bad ways to deal with my grief and for that I'm sorry to my family and to myself. I wasn't forgiven for what I did, and I guess I have to just live with that fact. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hollow Years

Well I knew the bad part would come. I didn't know it was be as bad as it was. I don't wish to specify. I have nothing to say. I guess time is supposed to make these things better, huh. I'll be ok, one day. I'll always look back on this and ask myself why the fuck I'm so stupid. I think I'll give the church another chance because I have no where else to go. Me and the normal world dont appear to be coexisting very well at all. I think I'll just try to live my life differently than I have in the past 5 months. I have to. I can just give a wry smile and know that everything will work itself out one day.

My Mother's hands

I recall from childhood that my mother's hands had/have(?) a specific smell. I can't exactly describe it, but it reminds me of autumn, and I noticed last night when I got into the shower that I could smell that same scent on my hands. It made me smile and I was even tempted to cry, which just goes to show how dramatic I am haha. This is most likely the cheesiest thing I've ever said, but I think part of that spirit I have will and is helping me be a good writer. I hope I'm good at writing, at least. Speaking of which, I'm supposed to be working no my story! I have a month left, which in reality is almost no time at all for such a thing. I have to stop distracting myself.
Today was an excellent day, and with all my heart I want to hold on to that happiness. I also learned that Caroline, my really good friend from Norway is coming to visit in March!!! I'm sooooo excited to see her!! Unfortunately she's staying at Ellen's house, so they'll probably do boring things like go to the mall. I hate shopping. I'll just have to kidnap her and do actual fun things^^ Damn, I'm really pushing my luck with all this happiness. Something bad's going to happen, I just know.

A nightmare to not remember

Before I even went to see Avatar, I had a terrible nightmare, involving this world's dreary future. I don't remember all of it, but it scares me just to think about it. Because of what family I grew up in, I don't particularly trust religion. Rather I fear it, but I can truly understand why some turn to it for comfort.
I had a helicopter view of our world, and my god, it was not pretty. Unfortunately in my mind it was unrealistic. There were no more trees, nothing but concrete, and so many cars and people below, that streets were built on top of the buildings too. There was so much overpopulation people were putting their babies on shelves in the store and leaving them there. I don't know how old I was, but I was older. I was with one of my sisters in the 'park' which was nothing more than a long stretch of concrete land. People were crowding about, some starving, wanting trees. So many people. I remember wondering why god still let us feel attraction to other people because there were so many dying of hunger. So many that we could barely move, never be alone. The world's oxygen was leaving, so we had to wear masks after a while. I believe the worst part was the nighttime sky, and the never quiet world. The sun would set, but the traffic would not, and the sky was alight with a flaming orange that made me cry in my sleep (i woke up at about 4 am). I was the worst dream I've ever had, and I cant describe it to it's fullest. The dread I feel at it's memory shall ever be there. I'm terrified of the future. Decided to put that out there haha.
Well, thats all I have to say goodnight^^

mhm

I'm not feeling very creative today. In fact I'm feeling even more annoyed than the day prior to this. Just everything. Depressing. I can't write very much. Don't even feel like writing. Today I went to the mall with my mom, Margaret, Kathryn, Evelyn, Suzanne, Sonja, Charlotte, Camille, and our cousins, Olivia and Eiline, however one spells that. No offense to my mother but it was stressful and annoying. I dislike the mall greatly. Everything there is shallow. It's not real, unless real is extremely lame. I don't like going there with a huge group of kids, and no offense, mom.
Tonight I'll go see avatar, which I', kinda excited to see. I guess I'll just come home and go to sleep a.k.a. lie awake for two hours and then give up and read. Ha! this is so depressing.

Je ne marche pas

Ok I was lying. I'm fine, just irritated. I'm not annoyed nearly enough to base this entire entry on just that, so I decided to just put it out there. I'm slightly annoyed. ^^
Today started off really well. Tyler and I threatened each other the entire art class, describing to each other absolutely horrific ways in which we would inflict pain on each. It was very amusing to the entire class. Next there was band, in which Piedmont produced a small baggy of (clean) rubber bands for his braces and I put them in my hair :P Next was math, french...ehhhhh ew. And then there was lunch in which I gave out cookies that I made! Please clap, for my baking skills are minimal and extremely close to none. CONGRATULATIONS, MOLLY!!!!! :D They were good. The girls at my table decided that we were going to slip and slide off the roof as a senior prank. I'll be graduated by then, so I'll just come in on that day and do it with them :P
The rest of the afternoon was very dull and tiring. I felt sick, and didn't wish to do any work. I was also ignored by my best friend. I'm not sure why, but I guess that is a good thing, in a sense. I don't feel as though I want to explain. Now I'm home and writing this for no reason. I should edit my story. I have a month left. A bloody month. Well gotta go, I guess^^

Bourne a new day, bourne a new hope

I can't say I agree with my statement, but it sounds gorgeous, so I thought it a proficient enough title for this, although I haven't decided whether or not I will write anything about improvement in myself, or in any change, or any new hope, to say the least. Today was another amazing day. It seems as though they've gotten better and better, besides a few things that are personal and have no one to do with but myself. Those will take a very, very long time. I don't know to what terrible depths they will drag me down to, and I don't wish to know. Have to eat supper >.< Perhaps I'll write tomorrow...

Swords, capes, and fake moustaches...

I wish I had those things, and possibly a top hat. I wish to be epic, but I suppose that I will have to find a way to be epic by being myself. I think that shan't be too extremely challenging. I was informed today that I'm really intimidating. Ha! I don't really know what to do about that...these people told me that they're afraid to talk to me, and I don't know why, and then they're scared while talking to me he first time. I don't know why! I guess I get a little...excited...but not CRAAAAAAZZYYYYY!!! :P Ok, so I'm an excited person, but not scary. Just happy, social, and friendly^^
Today was fine. I went to school, worked on my project, had band, in which me and Matt laughed the whole time about...I don't remember..lol..and then math..and then French, where I totally owned at a verbal :P
Lunch...hmmm. I felt absolutely terrible today, and so Danny ate my lunch. I was just lying with my head down on the table and everyone was like "wtf?" and danny reached to check my pulse, at which part I snapped my head up and yelled "IT FEELS LIKE MINI CONTRACTIONS!!!!" (i was in SERIOUS pain) Aaaaand he choked on his lunch and got it all over because he was grossed out/laughing so hard :P We then discussed how work out videos are one big "that's what she said" session. I apologize to those of you who find this revolting. I think that a woman's monthly cycle and childbirth are natural things that don't NEED to be obscured. I mean hey it happens constantly!
Then there was English, in which we watched a black and white movie based off the book The Scarlett Letter, which I found highly amusing. Unfortunately Avery and I had more important things to talk about. In global we had a class study for the giant test tomorrow, and I blanked on every question he asked me. Normally I sit there in class and wait for everyone else to answer, but when they don't I just say it. Class is basically a conversation between Mr. Cancro and I :P
Then there was Earth Science. Yay! Nick is finally not terrified to sit next to me. I aim on coaxing him into learning double pedal for drums. I have a lot on my mind^^
A lot of other things happened tonight, such as editing, ect. But I have to go do homework, shower, and sleep.^^ It was also an awkward supper tonight. I really don't want to remember that haha cya! :)

I'm writing a story called life.

It makes me angry when everyday I realize that this moment is life. It's not something that comes in a few years, it's now. I'm pretty sure there's a god up there, but I don't think he's just sitting there scrutinizing our every move. I don't know what will happen when I die, but I want to learn to make the best of every situation. Haha I can already tell I have the "church curse" as my mother calls it. I wont ever be 'normal'.
Today was ok. No, not ok...today was...sufficiently amusing^^. Margaret officially dislikes me for my choices. I can understand where she's coming from because to her it's not fair that I'm making the choices in which I am. There are also many, many other things she holds against me. This morning she was getting after me for talking to guys and especially about Danny (in which my mother announced that we're broken up. thanks mother). I got fed up with her.
"Margaret go to hell." I said, my attempt to bite back the words I've so desperately wanted to say to her for a while too late. She raised a brow.
"That would be ironic!" She said, sniffing. I couldn't help but start to laugh. I love us.
Anyhow, I went to school today and blah blah. Failed a math test, fucking pretended to give a damn. (sorry for that) For the first time in weeks I wanted to be home^^. I've lost interest. I was thinking that maybe I should start caring about the church so I can go live somewhere else. Meh. That would be like putting a bridge back up and walking across it and then burning it so I have to make it all over again. Too bad^^ Aw damn, this means I can't spend the summer in Delaware! Ugh. This sucks. Whatever I guess I should have better things to do than this haha. byes...

not long now...

Supper will be in a few moments. Tonight I wanted to go to my cousin's house. She's awesome and I know we're potential close friends but I never get to see her. My mother and father decided that I couldn't go over because they think she's a bad influence over me. This infuriates me. I know she's done things but that's not my business and I wouldn't do it myself. I also noted that many of the things she's done/does I also have, so how can she be a bad influence? Everything I do, in general, I think over carefully. I don't blindly do things. That's a generalization, but over time I've become a littler smarter.
Today was church. I laid my head on my knee and fell asleep for almost the whole thing. Then there was choir. My sister does a good job at directing it. I find t amusing that she dislikes small children, because she would make an excellent kindergarten teacher.
I came home freezing, hungry, and slightly annoyed, as always. That's the feeling I get from church. That, and a nauseous feeling when I actually listen to whats being said. I don't exactly know why. There's just something..about it. Oh well.
I worked (mostly pretended) on my story the whole afternoon. I didn't get very far as someone (Robert..cough*) was distracting me. :P It's ok, my friend. I don't know what I would do if I didn't get a good laugh from you all the time, my awesome friend. Anyhow, that was my day. I also did a little math homework.
Oh well it's almost suppertime, as I already specified. I think things are looking up a little. Someone told me they weren't going to read this because it's so depressing. I need to brighten up! ^^

Trying to swim my way back

Today I woke up at ten thirty, half wondering why my mother hadn't taken me with her to go out with friends, and half thanking god that she hadn't. I'm afraid I might loose my temper or something.
I got up and stared out the window, brushing the slightly greasy hair from my eyes. It felt like staying at Victory, because there was no warm water at all. The world was strangely sun-painted, although it was January. I couldn't help but let a smile pull at the corners of my lips. The sound of melting icicles could be heard over the crashing noises upstairs. I asked myself how I slept through the overbearing chaos of my house.
The first thing I could think of was going running. Making the decision to go was actually a big one. At that point I was terrified of disappointment. If I failed and there was still that stabbing pain I knew that depression would cloud over. I knew I'd be angry and annoyed, and it would make everything worse.
The world outside my window is something so much more. So much more than when I simply glace at it behind man-made glass. I'm not sure if there is the possibility of describing the feeling I get when I've immersed myself in it's unfailing beauty. It will always be beautiful, no matter what happens to it, because beauty is an opinion. I have my own.
My first steps were of nervous hope. The trees were bare but I could hear the birds singing, the sound of rushing water, the warmth of the sun, embracing my face. I was so lost in this different, yet ordinary world that I didn't notice the pain until it was drilling into my side.
I stopped, gasping for breath, staggering, and next thing I knew I was standing knee deep in a snowbank. The snow was half melted so it scratched up my legs. I didn't care. The only thing I could think about was the feeling of being stabbed, and the overwhelming joy I felt. I had run through two intersection. With a little more work I knew that there was the possibility of track! I was able to run almost the whole way home. Definably track.
I had forgotten within this span of time, that there was no hot water. They say exercise causes euphoria. I didn't feel euphoria. Even though I had accomplished something I felt really annoyed. I think I'll just go to sleep now, or something.
I have nothing else to say. Margaret's having a 'birthday party' although her actual birthday was before xmas. So in having this party, and the church girls around my age are over. I hate how they want to include me. When I say no to playing spoons the first time, I mean no, I do not want to play spoons. Oh well. I really need to get over myself, and I also wanted to hang out with Avery sometime this weekend. It's weird. I used to hate her guts, and now we're like best friends.

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad

My mother wants to know if I'm writing something happy. It makes me so angry. I hate being babysat. If I want to fuck up my life, let me. God, I'm just so angry. This is my space is it not? I want ONE area where I can just do what I want, where it's not regulated. They say "no you can make any choice you want" but I'm even too afraid to ask to go to my friends' volleyball game, because I know I'll get this: "No, there's Activity club. You can go to that, or you can stay home and stay off the comp and no texting" I'm not allowed to have my own phone, really. I was supposed to be on the volleyball team, but 'It takes too much time out of church activities'. I've been trying to condition myself for track this year, but I'm too nervous to ask. The answer will most likely be no. I think I'm going insane. I know everyone feels like that, but god, I'm going to crash. And you know what they'll say? "you're doing so poorly because you aren't following church" dear god, I'm so angry.
Why couldn't we just be together for the six months? It would be six months in heaven. I decided that I'm going to spend lunch in the library, because I dont want to go back to the church kids table, because that drags me back ten feet that I've taken. I don't know if I can sit with my school friends, cause he will be there, and I love him too much. It sounds stupid to everyone but him and I, and the situation is crushing. A part of me wants to go to school on Tuesday, and just... pretend this whole thing never happened. But then there's the army. The stupid goddamn army. I want to scream at him, and cry, and ask him why, because we're both miserable apart, and worried together. I' rather be worried. But it's his life. I just have to try to respect his choices, no matter how pissed off I am. And also I want to block my mother from reading this. I wish I could. It's MY choice.
I never said it, but months ago, this whole thing is why I wanted to leave this town, leave this school, leave everything. I know I can't run, but at least I could be in a place where I'm not hopelessly in love. And I know, the church says that isn't real. But with all my heart it felt real, so does it matter? Real and Not Real is an opinion. If I was allowed to leave then, I don't know where I would be now, but I don't think it would be here. In a way, I'm glad I didn't leave, because I would never get to experience this. It was amazing to me, and deep down I still have a hope that it can work. I wish I could somehow convince him that no matter what, I'm not going anywhere. I'm the last person in this world that would be unfaithful to him. This sounds insane. I'm fifteen- almost sixteen. But my mother met the man she has spent her life with when she was that age, so why not me? There is always the part when he gets back, and maybe...just maybe he'll let me wait for him. I will. I swear it. I want to make this work, and I'm not going to give up. I'll wait for him, because he's worth every second. I wouldn't ever say it if I doubted it. I can't get up without him.

The sky is still up, and the ground is still down

Today I went through the realization stage, the part where I realize that life goes on and that no matter how terrible I feel/felt, life goes on. Haha this feels like in middle school when they explained the grieving stages especially used in literature. I'm actually evaluating myself on this. Everyone deals with things differently, but everyone at one point, feels the same. At the moment I feel like I'm going to be sick, seeing that I had 'eat whatever the hell you want' day and I had (some) brownies hehe. Ofc that sucks cause now I feel about myself. And Abigail's licking her fingers uuuuuuurrrgghhhh >.< How well there's always treadmill.

I feel so heavy, and as though I'm going to throw up. I hate the part where people tell me I can do better than him, anyhow, because it makes me so angry. I feel stupid, cause I just want to cry and cry and be alone. It's the part where I'm the hopeless teen that hates everything.I dont WANT anyone but him. It's so stupid. This is why I wanted to fucking leave Cato in the first place, so I didn't have to eventually deal with this! Whatever. I guess it just takes time. It's going to kill when I see him on Tuesday. Make the pain come back all over again.

eugh

i feel like shit, like i cant hardly move, and honestly i feel pathetic. i cant stop crying. i also love these pictures cause they're awesome.

it's over

Fuck my life. He just ends it, because of the stupid fucking army.

Yes, that was a cat

Today was great! ^^ I'm really enjoying school now. It used to be me dragging myself out of bed everyday and being annoyed at everyone, but it's changed a lot. I don't mind school at all, and the weekends? Meh, I do not find them exceptionally amusing nor exciting. I went and I worked on my art project, and then played band, breaking my bass clarinet :S it wont play low notes. I also hit myself in the head with it, which was very amusing for my fellow bandits. Haha. After that was math. I have a 70% average. yay me, I'm passing. hahaha, that's pretty good for me. If I keep doing my homework I'm sure I could bring that up. The French. Blah. Lunch is amusing. Dylan's finally come back to school since his surgery, so we have to find a place for him, and I've taken the last seat at the table. So now him, me and Danny sit at the table next to the girls. It's hilarious because we always fling food at them and stuff :P the maturity level is almost on the floor.
Ok, all of this above is meaningless and I doubt anyone finds it amusing, besides myself, and perhaps a few mateys from school, so I'm going to go workout. Euuuugh I'm eating too much these days >.< it's school's fault. I blame them!!! :P

Tomorrow is yesterday's grandson

I love my random blog titles. Today was an exceptionally good day. I enjoyed the fact that I was able to wake by 9.30, instead of the whopping 12.00 noon like vacation. Of course I still have to go to church, despite the fact that I have made it clear I've no interest in my extended family's church. I've figured out that after Tim and Esther get married, we will all be related very very very VERY distantly by Marriage, except for the Owens family. It's rather amusing. Other than that, I really shouldn't be updating this blog at all. I worked out and did my homework today, and my other plans: edit my story! It's soooo rediculous. I have made myself an insanly close deadline. Oh, dinner time. Great. Ugh I have SOOOOOo much annoyance right now. Im sure others would find it annoying for people to be so rude to them and have fingers snapped in their faces >.<

The winds of change...

I suppose I knew the time would come that I had to be honest my my family, and myself. I feel incredibly guilty, because I feel as though I'm cheating my family, in a way. I guess that's just something I have to get over.
I was talking to Danny last night and my younger sister happened to see everything. Not only did she tell my mother and the others in the room about us, but she mailed the previous youth leader and clued him in too. I know she only did this because she's upset. I've gotten the cold shoulder all day from her. I've also been receiving emails of encouragement by several people...mysterious, no?
But when my mother asked me, I decided I was just going to be straight up with her. No more pretending or lies. It felt good, the fact that I can just..be me. It's easier to understand myself this way. I don't know what I future brings, but Emily is NOT letting me off easy, let me tell you lol.
Today was fun. I went with Emily to look at an apartment her and Abigail want to move into. (hence the not letting me off easy. that's all she wants to talk about, which is understandable) They should probably be moved out by February 1, and I should be able to crash there sometimes, since it's biking distance!! It also means that Abigail wont be rooming with me anymore, which...no offense, will be nice. I'm going to have so much more space when I get to share with Kathryn. She's the sweetest! We're going to have so much fun together:)
Em and I have been making these awesome pastry things allllll day. They consist of pastry, filled with either Strawberries, peaches, or pears, which we boiled and mixed things in with. I hope they taste good!
I have to work out today. I was at Rachel's apartment with the girls yesterday, and I borrowed her scale since there isn't one to be found in our house, which, in my opinion, is quite a good thing. I've lost 6 lbs. oh good hahaha. I kinda like the idea. I'm eating better and I'm working out ^^
Ok, well I think I'm digested, and I have nothing else to say. so byes...

This is me

A silhouette in a world of daylight, leaning in and out of the threads of reality. I can't tell what is real and what is false. Like a wounded solider I lean on the shoulders of my friends for the support I'm desperate for, starving for.
Wow. This is lame. I'm absolutely not in a creative mood. I'm more in a 'bored, lame, bland high school student' mood. I'm extremely tired, but of course there's no sleeping at this point. I'm having a difficult time not biting my nails. I haven't in 2 weeks, which is record! Ahaha and no one cares- almost. I suppose because this is my space I can write whateva I want, which is special. So, if I want to muse about absolutely nothing, I can :P Does this also mean I can use the language I want? Hah, there are several problems with that. Ugh I SUCK at musing. At least I could say something that maybe I care about or others. whatev, molly-out.

Do YOU feel pain when someone stabs you?

It's only human to feel broken sometimes. I know I should feel this way, so I guess I'll just workout, because I hear that brings euphoria, and it's really helping me eat better. It's better than this. I'm so lost in my thoughts. I hate it to death when people tell me to just listen to what god has to say. whatever

What happens when we die?

What can I say about today? hmm It was actually a really good day, until I inquired about a certain thing, and everything crashed down on my head. I don't know how to describe what I feel. I guess I should have seen it coming. Oh well.
I don't actually know what to write about! With all the things that are going on, I feel like there's nothing in my heart that I can let out.
Well, I'm getting new glasses, which is exciting to an extent. A few days ago Rosie, the dog, almost got hit by the snow plow. Since then, my mom has had someone bring her outside on her leash. Today she made me, and I figured it would only be a few minutes. So i didn't bother putting anything on but my big brother's boots. A soon as her leash was on, she dragged me out the door, smashing my hand on the door handle. It hurt reaaaaly badly, but ofc, Rosie doesn't stop for me yelling. She just keeps going, and DRAGS me head first, down the 2nd story deck stairs. So I'm in pain, covered in snow, and being dragged up he drive by an excited, giant puppy. My finger is ok, I think. It hurts and is a little swollen and bruised, but I can move it. I hope tomorrow is better.

hmm

I'm quite annoyed, which, unfortunately, is not unusual for me. I know I need to have more patience with many of my fellow..companions.. haha. It seems that the accusations FLEW today! I dont know how to ake things right. It's because I don't know what I want. I wish I could know where my heart lies. I think that comes with time. I wish two years would go by, but every time I wish that, I think about what could happen during that time. If I sped up time I would find myself almost eighteen, and probably a completely different person.
I dont know what to say. Oh well. These things just need thinking over. I also like the sound of this keyboard, which is why I continue to muse over absolutely nothing. I should be exercising. (did I REALLY spell that right?!!) wow. hmmm What a nice snow day. The snow is up to my waist! I really like it, although I think it would be nice to get out. The weather is sooooo bad! I love the snow, and I just learned to sing a new song. I'm not a huge fan of The Devil Wears Prada, just because their music lacks depth. They need some more riffs and such, but the singer has a reaaaaally good voice, both clean and when he's screaming. I tried to scream. It takes a lot of work. OK I hav to stop this endless chatter that few people would care to hear. I have things to do. byes!

The last days

Her nose was completely plugged and her face was under her blankets. In her dream she was inside a small box, screaming, gasping for breath. Her finger nails tore off as she scratched at the sides, trying furiously to get out. Her breathing became more intense as the oxygen ran out. Pain raced through her hands, blood dripped from her fingertips. She groped on in the darkness for something.
A flash. The girl sat straight up in bed. The blankets fell away from her face and she gasped for air. She looked around the gray room and let out a sigh.
There were at least three more feet of snow outside her window. She leaned against the sill and stared out into the blinding whiteness. The house was in an eerie still, and it felt as though she was the only one who existed. It was still snowing silently.
She put on her doggie slippers, which only made her look more amusing. A face shrouded in pallor, deep green eyes, thin lips. Her blond hair was in a mess of bedhead.
"Good morning." She whispered to herself in the mirror.
Molly didn't know how she had ignored the absolute chaos that was going on upstairs. She had been alone in the silence and security of her room, but upstairs everything was different. The kids ran about screaming, the older ones at the table talking. Around her things crashed to the floor as the younger kids played tag. In the house.
"It's about time you're up!" Her mother huffed as she swept up. A guilt crept inside Molly like a chill one gets from a foggy night.
"Sorry." She said, getting herself a bowl for cereal. [Wow, you're eating breakfast?] Someone inside her asked. [Shut up.] She snapped back.
"There's no milk, so don't even bother pouring cereal." Mariel looked up from her book briefly.
[Oh, great.] She thought, annoyed. [Toast.]
Molly found herself back in her room, lying on the floor. She listened to her music as loudly as it would go, in order to block everything else out. Between the Buried and Me.
She didn't hear the door open and suddenly Aaron was looming over her.
"Let's go outside!" He grinned.
"Later." She rolled over onto her side.
"Molly, you have your priorities all mixed up. Il fait beau aujourd h'ui!" He exclaimed. She thought about it. [Oh yeah, I was getting over this, wasn't I?]
"Okaaaaaaaaay." She faked a groan. "Give me two minutes."
They went into the garage and stumbled back out with their bikes, laughing. The road was barely plowed and the snow was still coming down hard. Perfect weather for biking.
"Molly, this is an intense global varming!" Aaron switched to an indian accent as he climbed onto his bike.
I cannot describe how amusing this situation was, and I wish I had some pictures of it, because it was truly hilarious.
Finally, after two hours outside Molly stumbled indoors and started to write THIS POST. Her toes were still cold.
Audrey comes onto msn.
"I know you think I'm annoying right now." She says.
"No, not really." I reply. "I have to tell you something." I've thought about it for a long time. Audrey has been my closest friend since I was very little, so why should I not tell her? I make her promise to make no mention of it tomorrow at school, and to certainly not tell anyone, not that it matters since I'm writing it here.
"I loved him, Audrey. I don't know how it came to that, but I can't hide it from you, and I know you think I'm stupid since I didn't follow the church's rules. Now he's joining the army and we can't be together because he's leaving. I don't know if you can understand." I'm biting my lip nervously.
"What made you love him?"
"Because, I could tell him anything, any of my problems. I knew he wasn't going to tell his sister *cough, and he had been through so much of what I'm experiencing and he knew how to help. Besides, we had SO much fun." I have to smile at that. There's a long pause.
"Molly, I think you've just convinced yourself that you have problems."
"Convinced myself??!" I wonder how she could think something like this."
"you have a family that loves you more than anything and a calling above all others." And there's the reason I can't tell her anything. Because with the church, everything's fine. She doesn't understand what it's like, apparently. She's...a Stryker! I know that's a lame excuse. she continues. "You just need to stop being such a baby."
"Whatever." I'm finished talking to her.
I feel the bumps of scars on my wrist that could have killed me time and again. The biting hungers that is sometimes there. Yeah, I guess she's right. I just need to stop being such a baby, and convince myself that there's nothing wrong with myself.

Another death, and somewhere, a man is grinning

Ok I don't feel like writing in 1st/3rd person right now. Today was a pretty great day, and I realize that no, it's not over yet. I had my friend Carrie over and we have done absolutely nothing. I have a lot of fun with her, but I always get to a point where I just want to be alone. I don't mean that in a depressive way, but I just enjoy being my myself and doing whatever. Whenever I spend time with other people i.e. when they're at my house I have a strong obligation to be with them every minute. I hate awkward silences. I'm not good at handling those either. I say stupid things and then start laughing and always say "well I dont know." haha. That's me!
I don't know what else to write about, except my brilliant idea. When I thought of it I laughed so hard. I was thinking of clomping uselessly about the house in giant rainboots to annoy everyone!! :D lol

A disfigured smile

3rd person now

"Are you alright, Molly?"
She didn't care to hear that question. It was the thousandth time she'd heard it, so why reply? A part of her wanted to snap back in a rude, hateful manner. But instead the girl lifted her head slowly.
"I'll be fine." Her voice was quiet as she offered a wry smile, and let herself return to a silent agony she wished would end. [ARE you okay, Molly?] She asked herself. [I don't know.] Her reply was one of a blank tone.
"- she needs to go.... Molly?" Her mother was looking on strangely.
"Huh?"
"Let Rosie out, will you? I've been taking care of the kids all day and she needs to go out."
"Sure."
The snow was coming down silently outside. Molly hadn't bothered to put on shoes as she waited for the dog. Shin deep in the coldness, the girl stared up to the heavens. She liked the way the snow fell gently to her face and melted. It slowly slipped down her cheeks, like heaven's tears themselves. Why couldn't the whole world be quiet? She wondered. [Quiet like the snow.] Just for a few moments, at least.
Letting the dog back inside, the girl stumbled down the stairs and went to her room. Was this supposed to happen.
"Smile." She whispered to the empty, freezing room. She couldn't. "Smile!" She couldn't. "SMILE, GODDAMMIT!" Her voice rose hoarsely.
"What?" Abigail had walked in. "What are you TALKING about?" Her brow was raised in a questioning fashion.
"Nothing." Molly grinned. "Nothing at all."

That was just an experiment.. I'm experiencing a little bit of mind block atm so I guess If I feel like writing about my day in 3rd person it will have to wait. None of the above events happened, by the way. Haha the previous post was real, but not this one.