I write this too often

Life is so weird. I don't really know what to say about it. I feel like I want to break down and cry and eat doughnuts and lay on my floor for days. Talk about depression... I don't want to be a sad person. I don't believe in reincarnation, so as far as I know I only have one chance at life. I don't WANT to be sad, and everyone always says "you can tell me anything, Molly" and then when I tell them... it just doesn't work. I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself... oh well.
But then there's this other part of me that wants to jump up and scream and be like WHO HOOOOO!!!! I DID IT!!! Did what? Solved a problem, stood up for what I want, didn't just fall over dead like a failure :) I actually did what I had the mindset to do! (that's a big step)
Tonight was girls' fellowship. That's where all the youth girls 12 and up get together and eat food and talk and read an article from brunstad.org or smith's letters or something. We sit there and talk about it and stuff after and then eventually the conversation goes to normal things. I will admit I zone out a lot, but there's still a part of me deep down. It's like a tugging, and I know that there is something inside me that wants to be just like the other girls, to be fighting. I don't know, sometimes I feel like that which is normal. I see them and from the looks of it they don't care for anything but being together. I love them all but I can see so clearly that there are other things I care for also. I have a strong longing to visit somewhere else and see something new, to just try something new. But now I'm not allowed. Ever since I told mom that I don't care for the church she told me I can't go somewhere else. I don't know if that's true. I was angry that day and I would take that back, I think. Sometimes it's better to keep things to oneself. I just hated feeling like I was hiding this huge thing from my parents, but now that they know I feel like I'm disappointing them. I didn't like living a lie and pretending. And they think I have this guy problem at school. Mom, if you're reading this which I wouldn't doubt, I honestly don't. Well from this day on anyway. I feel no need to stay after or whatever, and yes, I'm going to skip school more again :P I feel silly... and kinda gross! haha :)
Anyhow, I don't very much enjoy being there for the fellowship but those girls are the only true friends I have. (almost) They're always there for me, not matter what. Especially Audrey. I actually told her things that I can't bring myself to even tell my own brother. I laughed with her and cried with her. It's not her fault she has an emotionally detached friend who may or may not have some mental problems. I really hope I'm ok. She helps me a lot with things and she loves me. She doesn't think I'm stupid. It hurt me so badly when she wouldn't talk to me in school because of someone I was friends with. And now that that's gone, I see that I was pretty stupid, the choices I made there. She's x100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 important that he. I know my friends in school don't truly care for me. I know they don't honestly care for me like the church kids do. All my friends are invited to a party and guess who's not? They always do things together but they never invite me and they always talk about it in front of me. Haha I guess I don't care that much. I prefer being at home writing and stuff. It just makes me wonder. They're always like "Molly don't graduate early I'll cry!" I just laugh and assure them that NO, they will not. :P
Well, what else could I possibly write about? I have NO idea... I have a love/hate relationship with myself as I expressed in the previous paragraphs. It's kind of weird, as I expressed.
So tomorrow I'm going to go to school and be really quiet and just kinda... hide for a while haha. I'm good at being quiet, but everyone thinks I hate the world because of my expressionless face. Oh well, I'll write later! :)