The snow covers sorrow

I've decided to write this passage in first person.

I'm dreaming, I know, because what I dream is to good to be true. It is too amazing to share with the world, and therefor I'll keep it to myself, because I doubt that anyone else could understand it's unattainable beauty.
It ends too soon and I'm lying awake on my sun-filled bedroom floor. I toss a glance at the clock and groan. It is already Eleven o'clock. I dislike late sleeping because afterward all I can imagine is all the things I could have been doing. Yesterday's happenings flood back into my mind and it seems the room has already grayed.
I discover, upon coming up the stairs that my mother is out shopping. I'm home with Abigail and the younger kids. Oh joy. I realize that a positive attitude could brighten things.
Within an hour I feel as though I cannot breathe. In this house no matter what is done I can't force myself to be calm and to smile. No matter how much I disagree with my mother I have to take my hat off for her in this situation, because she runs things a fairly smooth manor. The kids are making a mess, running about, screaming, and Abigail makes things worse herself. I feel entirely lazy, but there's nothing I can do and still be patient. It's a matter of survival for myself.
My room is freezing, but it's quiet. I try to read but the cold is biting at my fingers. To make matters worse Abigail comes in and starts sniffing. I feel like it's eating at my insides, this anger that's trying to unleash itself. I can't take it anymore.
Grabbing my coat, gloves, and boots I climb straight out the window. I don't know why I couldn't simply walk down the hallway, and the thought makes me laugh. Here I am standing shin deep in snow with just my socks on.
It's difficult to walk through snow and try to take in one's surroundings at the same time. The sharp beauty of winter makes me smile, despite the biting cold. I walk through field and wood for almost an hour. I can't think of anything but to keep walking, to get away, to be all by myself.
I finally stop, breathlessly. It comes out in cold puffs. I'm in the middle of a snowy field. All alone. Without another thought I let myself collapse in the snow. It soaks through my skinny jeans and gets in my hair but it doesn't matter.
The only things to be heard in the silence are my sobs and the random clattering of the trees a snow drops from their eaves. I lie there, feeling the sting of the cold and the warm tears streaming down my cheeks. The trees stop and my crying calms, and the silence of winter is terrifying, because behind it is some cruel power.
I finally pull myself to my feet, and drag myself homeward. With me I carry a new hope. New hope that I can be a stronger person, and that things will work out for the best. Behind me lie my fears, and most of all, my sorrows. Buried in the snow.

.

cant write. cant smile. cant feel. cant breathe.

Can you hear me cryin'?

Sometimes humans ignore things for a very long time because they dont want to face the fact that it just might break them, or scare them, or make them sad. Dark emotions are scary. I found this for myself quite clearly. Danny's joining the military. He's enlisted. I knew he was, but it's happening so soon. That really scares me. I don't know what I'm going to do. Ugh. It's overwhelming, and I'm dramatic :P
Nothing else to say. I'm feeling non-descriptive.

If I was the superior being I would surely have a New Zealand accent

Today was really fun. Emily wanted to meet a friend from Canada so we met halfway in Watertown. That's where Aragorn from Lord Of The Rings (Vigo Mortensen)lived up until his acting career happened. I think that's awesome, since he's sooooo hot in those movies hahah. Anyhow while she met with her friend, me, Aaron, Margaret, and Kathryn went to the mall. I got new blue converse, a weird stripy shirt, AND a Children Of Bodom shirt!!! That was sooooo awesome. Best part. I dont know what else I could say, besides the fact that I feel like I'm going to throw up hahaha.

Narcascism (however you bloody spell it)

I wanted to show everyone my BEAR SHIRT!!! :D It's awesome, cause bears are awesome! Please exscuse my love handles :P working on those. And just added the other, cause I'm an extreme narcissist.
Well I'm too restless to write now. Xmas was boring and a little annoying, but ok. goinggggg write laterz

xmas eve!

Danny managed to give me a cold lol. It's really not nice. I've lost my voice and I have a chest cough and it's just nasty. But yesterday he gave me chai tea and a CD with songs where every song was based from a moment we had. Something hilarious or something. It matched perfectly. All in all yesterday was pretty good. He also gave me a box of cheese-its to give to Ellen as an inside joke since she wasn't there.he told me "dont eat them!" Me: "since when do I eat?" LOL It's insulting to me, but if I don't make this stuff a joke it's just depressing. :)
Today's xmas eve. I hardly slept last night cause of my cold. I woke up today thinking it was like 2 in the afternoon and it was really 9 am. haha so I went upstairs. No appetite, thanks to the cold, and there were crêpes for breakfast. I ate like a half. eugh what great holidays. I loveeee complaining sometimes. Oh well, I have laundry to do.

There's nothing to do but smile

Today was one of those 'best day of my life' days. I dont really want to write about it. I feel like I want to keep it to myself and just grin!!!! :D Thanks to all who made this day awesome. Maybe I'll write something later :)Happy Holidays. <3

Do you hear my crying in the silence?

My lungs are about to burst, screaming for oxygen. But there is none in this room. I'm chained inside these four walls of my mind, banging, screaming, pleading to get out. Where are the answers to my questions, my fears? Why am I here? Is there a reason, some control? I cannot say, for my sanity has long since fled and I'm nothing more than a walking corpse, hollowed out, searching for some meaning.
Ok ok I wont go THAT far, because I'm not like that at all. I just got a little bit carried away. I'm a really happy person, though my happiness is hindered by my unsureness. I'm pretty sure that's normal haha.
Well, today was interesting. I FINALLY finished my art project, which was awesome. I accomplished drawing a geisha with her back to the viewer standing beside a shoji door (wood and paper, in squares) I think it turned out very well, and I might consider putting a picture of it up here, depending on if it comes out alright captured.
Ms. Kelly had all the chamber singers on a field trip today, so we had study hall instead of band. (That also meant that Danny was gone allllllll day :S) I pissed off the study hall teacher (cranky librarian, mrs. woods, i feel sorry for her husband) by saying to someone that there was a monkey in the main office that kept messing with the intercom, because it kept going off.
"ALRIGHT! No one's going ANYWHERE! Thanks to Ms. Weston you can ALL stay here!!!" She yelled SO loud. I couldn't help but start laughing.
Anyhow, I found a spot on the floor next to Michaela and I ACTUALLY talked to her for the first time in probably a year. Things have changed so much between our families, but we share a lot of the same views and such and I really miss hanging out with her. It's nice to have time like that.
The next period, someone found a bullet in the French room so we had lockdown for an hour. I was in math, and I HAD to do my stupid packet, thanks to the substiture whom I strongly dislike.
Then there was lunch, since 4th p. was taken by lock down. Stine, the girl from Norway, and Liz came in so she could see the 'typical American school' lol. It was pretty fun to see them there. Almost made me feel....cool...(said shrewdly)
Then there was English, Lab, Global, and Earth Science. (SNOOOOOORRRREEEEEEE) Boring day.
I froze on the bus, and I contacted the mp3 company and they said they hadn't sent me my mp3 yet, because they were all outta pink! PFFFFT. I do NOT care about colour. I told them so, so they're sending me a red one!!!

http://z.about.com/d/portables/1/0/0/B/sandisk-fuze.jpg

That's what it looks like!!! :D
Anyhow, I ate all my dinner tonight. I feel terrible, but at least I'm forcing myself :D hehe tomorrow's the last day of school before vacation!!! I'm not actually excited. Vacation gets boring and After Holidays are soooooo depressing. Anyhow, g2g byes...

If I could write my heart on paper

If I could write my heart of paper it would be miles and miles of paper, all confused and weird. I'm so extremely happy and confused-fuzzed over. I don't know what I'm doing, ect. Same old Same old.
I realized that I write exactly the same thing every night. It's all the same "poor me" ect. And yes, mom I know you're reading this and it worries you. PLEASE just give me a LITTLE space?!! Ugh, now I can't even enjoy writing here. I'll just keep it to myself. I'm not mad at you, I half expected this, but STILL. ugh.

Xmas feast...

Today happened to be the church's Christmas feast, in which, of course I attended. I hate wearing formal clothes and I hate sitting for 2 hours straight. Oh well, it was ok. The girls' choir sang Silent Night, and as I expressed before, the sopranos SUCK. I had to be in their group because I'm the only one who can sing high. I tried to ask Ab nicely if she could not sing so loud, because...well...she's..sad. Yeah that didn't work. All in all it was an ok feast. I had mixed veggies and half a roll. Yaya! Ohohohoh!! And a piece of cake *grins
Anyhow, I just got home from the Styker's house with Aaron. He went to do homework and my mom made me go along so he didn't have to drive alone. I basically paced the room as he and Audrey pretended to to A.P. History. Oh joy. Well tomorrow's Monday and I can't decide weather or not I'm excited.

Ower the hills 'an far away!!!

Tarja sings it like that, since she's Finnish. AMAZING song by Nightwish. I really wanted to see them live with her, but I guess that will never happen, since she's left the band. Maybe I can still see them with Anette as the singer. At least it would be Nightwish! and I can always see Tarja sing single. I actually learned to play the riff on guitar...at a slower pace hahaha...
Well today I have to go xmas shopping once more. Just a quick trip. I actually took something from Mariel, and I intend on returning it to her with some other things...before she notices. She keeps talking about this product, so I have to replace it, or else I'm screwed. :P
Tonight's the youth girls' xmas party. I picked a girl's name. She's married so it's no fun buying her things, and she already has EVERYTHING. Plus I have to do an interpretive dance, which should be both hilarious and insulting towards her :P I'm kinda excited. I wish I could go out this wknd. All my friends at school are going to see Avatar/shopping, and I would like to go with them. I didn't bother asking my parents, though. They would give me the "why would you want to do that? it's not worth putting eternity on the line for that" ect. I'll save myself the trouble, thank you. Anyhow, Aaron got his driver's license, so we're going together. (FUN!!!!) At least we wont have to bike anywhere anymore, which is in itself a pity, seeing that I can't run anymore and that was my exercise in the summer. I think we'll probably still go, lest I get worse and worse. I hate this. Holidays suck. I hate food and that's all there is, and everyone is always looking at me funny when I can't possibly force another bits of supper into my mouth. I want to say it's not my fault but it is. Eventually it all comes back to me. I wish I could eat like Audrey. SEE? I'm soooooo ridiculous. I want to eat, but I feel terrible. UGH. I hope I can run... I hate this. I'm so stupid.
Oh well, have to get going now. Violin strings today!!!

I want thin sharpie markers!

I actually do want those, because I find I can draw some cool art on my hand. Today was another really good day. I don't know what I'm going to do next year, and if I decide not to graduate early, the year after. I decided to stop using emoticons when I'm writing here, because a good writer doesn't need those things. I aspire to be such. Anyhow, I don't know what I'll do, because I'm going to loose some good friends this year.
The morning was gray, and possibly one of the most beautiful beginnings I've ever seen. The silence of the snow was deafening in it's own way; the way it fell so lightly, yet screamed so many feelings. A gentleness with unimaginable terror and force behind that is enough to kill a man. Ah.
I worked on my geisha this morning and then I had band. I haven't gotten my mp3 in the mail yet, so I've been without and GOOD musical contact for around four weeks now. A.K.A the band music going through my head! Celtic Air!!! (EW) Band is really fun. Every time I glance over Danny's making faces at me from the trumpet section and then Ms. Kelly gets angry at me for laughing all the time. Of course I cannot contain myself. The girl that sits beside me just makes jokes the whole time and I find I do nothing but laugh. Good thing I can still play my bass c! Then there was math and french. Both thoroughly uneventful. I love lunch, not because of the food, god knows, but because I get to be with my friends and I make the choice (finally) to hang out with who I want. After that I went to english and started writing my research project, which is on vegetarianism. I'm kinda excited, cause I get to interview Danny about that. He's been a vegetarian for 2 years now. God knows I wont take it seriously. I'll shine a lamp in his eyes, slam my fist on the table, and yell:
"WHAT DID YOU EAT ON FRIDAY NIGHT?!! I smell BEEF!" Haha I don't think he would take that too kindly, although I know he would laugh. Wow, I'm really lame.
I left after english and went shopping with emily. I bought some presents. Who knew?! lol.
Well it's suppertime (like a canadian) and then the activity club xmas party. I guess that's my evening. I wish I was allowed to hang out with school friends also. Oh well. I'm not hungry at all. I feel a little sick.

What can I say?

I wish I had some awesome, epic title for this post. I always have awesome phrases and ideas floating around my head, but as soon as I try to put ink to paper (or fingers to keys, for the matter) they disintegrate and I'm lonely in my blandness.
Today I woke and I pressed the "sleep" button on my clock 3 times. It was so cold that I convulsed and my teeth didn't stop chattering until I got to art.
There's something terribly difficult in the idea of telling someone you love that you have a problem. I had some pear and a plain piece of waffle for breakfast, and I ate most of my lunch at school, which was mac and cheese and milk. I felt so gross, it was ridiculous. I should have been proud of myself for eating as much as I did, but instead I was...ashamed. I came home and made myself eat rye toast, but sadly...that didn't go well. I feel so stupid and horrible. I have people that love me, and ugh. I can't go on like this, obviously. I know there will come a point where I just scream it out to my mom, but that hasn't some yet, I don't think.
Beside the day-to-day dealing with myself, I had a great day. I got there and worked on my art project. I'm drawing a geisha standing with her back faced to the viewer, but you can see her profile. She's standing beside a shoji door. I'm really excited to colour her in with chalky pastel. I hope it goes well. I tend to mess up my projects, but I really hope it goes well. I promised Danny my next project, but I feel to see why he likes them. It's pretty funny, because I think myself as pathetic at art.
I had gym, and we're doing archery, which is..kickass. Last year on the last day I realized that the reason I missed the target everytime was that I was closing the wrong eye. LOL
After that was math, in which I completed the wrong assignment for and got no credit. Then there was French. 100 on my verbal, and I finished the packet due tomorrow. Haha.
Today I discovered Danny was wearing a suit because he was singing at a community center with the chamber singers. I didn't get to be in that because I didn't have enough room in my schedule. I laughed really hard when I saw him. I don't know. The idea of him in a suit is amusing. Funny thing is, we have the same glasses, except his are a darker colour. I wish I could find mine so we could match :P Skylar had snatched his keys from him 2nd period, and now it was 5th. I took them out, and I was like
"If I pressed this button, would the car beep from here?" He barely notices.
"I dont know, maybe." Looks a second time. "WAIT! Where did you get my keys???" :P we have fun :)
Anyhow I stayed after and did my art project and that's the end. I guess. Life goes on, yet I'm still stuck, trying to make choices and be smart about the way I live my life. Why is that never ever possible? Maybe because I'm not doing things the right way.
I decided that if I could write music I would somehow put these fundamentals into a song.
"Don't enter my mind, because I'm slitting my sanity in secret, and as the sun sets on my life, I smile, because I've taken off my mask of facade." Something like that. I wish I could write music. I suppose I have to simply be happy with my writing.

oh dear lord....

My family...HA!

Writing just to make sure I exist

Today was one of those "best/worst" days of my life. It was amazing. I really had a good day. I guess I can't write what happened, for fear that my mother's reading. I don't really know what to say, leaving that. I'm just happy :)

Thank god for the death of today

I feel as though I should say everything straight up. School this year is bullshit. I tried to break away from the church kids a little just so I could breathe. The opposition I got in return was devastating.
I made an extremely good friend this year, and yes, things didn't go as planned, but I still, there's no one else I feel I can talk to in person as I can to him. The problem: the church kids (my brother and cousins mostly) hate him. They think that he's 'taking me away from the church' and that's not one bit true. The things that happen to me are all by my hand. I wish they could understand that. One of my best friends and cousins actually told me that, that he was taking me away. I didn't know what to tell her. I mean atm, I want to stay in the church so they don't hate me, and so I don't loose all my freedom. I told that to Audrey and she got really mad at me. She said that I won't stay if I keep hanging out with him. I don't know if that's true.
I just want to do my own thing and I'm so distressed by the fact that if he even says hi to me they all give me the look of death and Audrey says "Molly I thought you weren't going to do that anymore." I don't know what was wrong with me today, but I was really depressed. Every time someone asked me what was wrong I began to cry. I cried in front of my whole French class (good thing I have bangs) and then in lunch, so I put my head on the table. She thinks it's because of him. I don't know.
I feel pulled in both directions. There's so much stress at home all the time and so much pressure from my family and from my church friends, and then this. I thought I couldn't deal with it, but dad wont let me leave and go somewhere else. I gave up trying to explain/describe it, because I cannot. It's so much more than that, and I don't really know what to say about it. I feel so angry and annoyed and broken and sad. I've considered several things, but I know I can't do that. Not to the people I love. I just wish they would get it that I just want to breathe. I need him as a friend and I need the litte 'worldly' (as they would put it) freedom that I have.
Today was horrible.
I came home from school, did the dishes and went to sleep. I couldn't do anything else. And my dad came and woke me up for choir. At first I just started crying and I refused to go. I felt like a child, really. He told me this:
"Look, sometimes life gets rough, but you have to stop worrying about all the little things and just live." I guess I'm going to do that. I'm not going to worry about pleasing my church friends and what they'll think. I'm going to do what makes me happy. At the moment, I'm going to save myself.

yesterday...

well that's me pretending im forty and i have kids. UGH. I'm waiting for an answer from my mom about going somewhere else. i think she's avoiding it.

hmmm

Lookit us! We have similar noses, same eyes, and freckles in the same places i.e our left cheeks. :P I looked just like her, though I was chubbier. I cut Kathryn's bangs tonight, and she was sooooo excited. I was nervous they would be all messed up, but they turned out fine. We're so much alike it's crazy. :)

gahhhh!!!!

Last night was AMAZING! I was sposed to go see Nina Assassin with Delandie and Carrie but we messed up the time. We thought the movie time was 12.30 am, and so we drove ALL the way to Carousel mall and the lady was like "ummm...thats tomorrow..." SO we decided to see a different movie, being Boondocks Saints. It was so awesome...omg I have to watch the first one. It was about two Iris mercenaries out for revenge after their first escalate. It was a really bloody, funny and just all around awesome movie, and dang, those guys are hot! :P
It was weird, though, because my cousin and Carrie's big sister, Michelle came along. I hate the radio, and she was blasting it. I haven't actually been with her in years since she left the church. Delandie was driving so fast and she was in the ront seat putting on her make up and dancing to the music. It reminded me of a movie scene for some reason. Almost like: "yeah, this is how you live."
I had tons of thoughts going through my head at that moment. I don't know why it meant so much to me. I wish I could grasp them now, though. I don't know it she's really happy, though. Of course there are fun, exciting nights, but in the end one gets old and dies, right? Does it matter? I don't know. Once again, I guess I just want to live to live...
Today I woke, showered came upstairs. Thank god we have rye bread, or else it would have been a terrible morning. Things were crazy, as always. The house is a little messy, seeing that there are 17 inhabitants at the moment.
I just cleaned Charlotte's bedroom. It has like all the toys in it, so not a bad clean. Just putting things away and vacuuming. God, I sound like a 30 year old housewife. I hate living here sometimes.
I wanted to buy xmaas things, since being with the youth girls requires that I buy someone a present, also a child a present, and also a family member.
Oh well. I think I'm done complaining for now.
bye.

pics...

Badaddumm

"If I die tomorrow, I'll be alright, because I believe that after you're gone, the spirit carries on!!!!!" - Amazing Dream Theater song! I was thinking about such on the bus today, seeing that I lack in mp3 music. What would happen if I left and never came back? (as in dead) I wonder how long it would take for people to get over me, but I honestly can't say. I'm sure it might be sad.
I've always wanted to be profound. In some things I suppose I can be that way. I can be outspoken, but I was thinking, when I'm dead, I'll quickly be forgotten. I don't really care, as long as I lived a good life. Why am I thinking about this? I have no idea. I just wanted to use the word profound.
Today was a monumental day, I think. I did what I've wanted to do in so long, but I've already told someone about it, so I don't feel obligated to put it up here for the whole world to see also. I'm tired of writing atm, so I bid you...good night. BonNuit!

The death of another day.

Today happened slowly, yet it's already over. This morning the WHOLE highschool had to go through this stupid tutorial workshop in which we had to listen to teachers talk about their classes for four periods! That's 220 minutes. Me = dying of boredom. After which I went to lunch.
Lunch was tastless spaghetti and peaches and salad. I ate about none of it. Since it was Aaron's birthday I sat with the church kids for like...an extra ten minutes. How nice am I. I don't really know what else to say. My mom said maybe about me going to school somewhere else, and I'm waiting for an answer. I don't think she's talked to dad about it yet. My mp3 hasn't come in the mail yet. I'm DYING without my bloody music! I'll probably write something later if anything fun happens. Emily comes home next week, which should be utterly amazing. I miss her alot, except her exhortation mood where she asks about me staying in the church. Bloody hell.
I don't know if I can drag myself out of bed for school tomorrow. I hate this. Hate Hate Hate.

Sonata Arctica in NY City April!

AWESOME!!!! I'm so excited, though I don't know why. I know that no one will take me. Actually, Danny offered as soon as I brought it up, since he respectfully likes the song "Flag in The Ground" by them, but I turned him down. I don't want to go anywhere with him.
This morning I woke up at 6.45 am, and upon seeing the excessive amount of snow on the ground and the fact that it was still coming down, combined the the factor that we had a half day, I went back to bed! It was awesome to fall back asleep, with the song Bodom Beach Terror going through my head. I can't WAIT for my new mp3 to come in the mail. I'm dying with no music. Hurry up, Sansa!!! I had nightmares about the little kdis on the bus again. They drive me insane.
Today was pretty nice. I haven't really done anything except attempt death grunt again. That's not going well. I'm afraid that my throat might bleed. That wouldn't be good..and then my clean singing would be ruined. I wish I could sing like Tarja, but haha I'm not skilled like that. Operatic isn't my style. Well, nothing else to write. I'm supposed to be taking care of Camille and cleaning up, so laters. I also want my dad to hurry up and get new violin strings! Imagine a metal band with violin. It's epic, one has to admit! I can't wait! I have been learning for only a few months and it sounds like a suffering feline, but I'll improve, just need those strings!!!

WELL....

Today was annoying. I wore my really crazy hoodie that's purple and gray and black. And on the hood, BEAR EARS! That's def the coolest part in the world. The only problem: People wouldn't stop touching my ears! It was really annoying. I remember now why I never wear it to school. I was even told REPEATEDLY that it was a "really cute hoodie" can only guess who that was? lol
Well, I guess that's all. I'm home, supposed to be learning my singing part for choir, but i freaking hate it. I have to sing with these girls who dont know the meaning of open your mouth so you can hit the note. It really bothers me.
I hate it when people ask about my after graduation plans. I guess these are it, though. I'll graduate next year and apply for Holland alag (pagedal) If they don't accept me or my visa doesnt work out, I'll go to alag in norway. It's not going to be as fun, but I'll make sure I get to Holland sometime in that duration. After a year there, depending on what happens, I might come home, but I might not. I can see myself getting citizenship in a European country, going to nursing school, and getting a job there while publishing my novels. I don't know. I prefer Europe to America. A million times so.

2nd post today...

I know this is probably lame, writing another post today, but I can't help myself. There are few people in this world who don't like to talk about their day, and I'm not one of them.
So tonight was the band concert. It sounds lame, but it was TONS of fun! I got to wear some awesome clothes...not really, I just happened to like the skirt. It was black and slightly tight..haha. I rarely wear nice clothes. Usually to school I have skinny jeans, a tshirt, a hoodie, and some converse. Not exactly a classy dresser, eh? Ellen and Audrey always have really nice clothes, although they wear skirts to school everyday, which I think is lame. I prefer my jeans, thankyou.
So tonight I got there and basically all the high schooled kids wait in the band room while the younger kids play. It's awesome, because I'm friends with all the kids in band. We're the shit haha. Anyhow, a grade 12 boy with drumsticks came up to me and asked "can I drum on your titties?" I was so angry that I took off my shoe and threw it at him. It hit him in the head. I then grabbed his tie and told him in my sternest voice: "Say something to me like that again, and I'll break your damn nose." He apologized. :D Oh no, I'm far from helpless. lol.
Well, then we played, and after I introduced Delandie (black guy from detroit) to my friends and I showed him to Matt, and Delandie says "Is this the famous Danny?" My face got so red. "errrrm NO!" HAHAHAHA. Matt was so confused. I had a lot of fun. He and I just fool around the whole time in band. Tomorrow he's bringing in his glasses and mustache! :P I'm happy atm :)

Petrucci pawns at scaling...

I only wrote that because I'm listening to The Count Of Tuscany, and AMAZING Dream Theater song :)Petrucci has a really nice intro.
So today I got up, and the house wasn't cold! It was toasty and I didn't have to get dressed shaking from the cold. I went upstairs and only half the kids who ride the first trip bus were awake. What lazy people! I haven't skipped school in a long time. I want to switch schools so badly. It would be interesting to go somewhere else where no one knows who you are or what you like and one can be anything they wish.
Yesterday Mariel was looking through my hair and she kept forgetting that my ear was RIGHT there and yelled. I was trying to work on something and all I could hear was her talking next to me, about absolutely nothing. "No, but her hair looked nice..." eugh. I prefer silence sometimes.
So anyhow, I went to school and ruined my art project. I'm drawing a girl jumping off a bridge to go with the Anna Lee lyrics: "Trying to believe the scars unseen, the tears washed clean. You don't wanna breathe the air you breathe, you don't know how to live a life alone..." It's really beautiful! My project was doing really well until I got to the background. I cant draw water to save my ass, so I decided to draw a random portal thing, and it's ruined. I suck at art.
I also couldn't focus. I hate the girls at my art table. I have always considered them my "friends" but I know they aren't. Today they were talking about dresses they went out and bought for a party they're having that I'm not invited to. Great. Way to make me feel awesome. When one of them asks for input on their project each gives it, but today I asked and no one even looked up. I guess it just kind of hurts when they just always make plans with each other and openly disclude me. It's not like I really want to go, but it would be nice to at least be asked. But, god forbid, I graduate early! It's all bullshit, "Molly don't do that! I'll miss you! You have to graduate with me!" Bullshit, like you honestly give a damn. I would sit at a different table, but everyone else in that class either dislikes me, are really annoying and stupid, or really creepy.
Well anyhow, after that I had gym. I hate my parents for not letting me go out for volleyball, all because of the church. They said it was "hinder me and take too much time out of church activities", which it does, but I don't care at all. I wanted to play so badly. I feel like an idiot in gym class. We play, and just because I'm not on the team R.B. (gym teach) puts me on the damn looser team. It's humiliating and annoying because I actually like to play. She had favourites and I'm not one of them. I get bad grades in gym.
Then there was math. Nothing to say. I'm passing!
I dont know. I have a band concert tonight and formal clothes are lame. I hate dressing up in black and white and "looking pretty" for something I honestly don't give a damn about. I only play in band because I LOVE LOVE LOVE playing bass clarinet. I would LOVE to get one of those. Someday I will.
RIP Pearl Harbour soldiers!

today....

Well... woke up today and saw that it was already 11.00! well whatever. i went upstairs and my mother announced that it was "clean the house day". I did the dishes and swept and went to my room to write an english essay. my father left to get the xmas tree and my mom tried to get to to hang up lights. sometimes i think its a pity i detest holidays.

A summer worth noting :)

I went to Norway, Germany, and France this summer, if you take a look in older posts. It was awesome :) Last summer Aaron, my best friend and older brother and I spent almost everyday biking summer. W even went to the beach a few times. That's 42 miles total :P It was an awesome summer and I wish I could got back to May and do it all again, with a few changes, ofc.

hmmm

I woke up at 1:00 (13.00) today :) I didn't feel refreshed, though. Disgusting to say the least. I knew it was going to be an off day. So far is has. I got my period and have the most extravagantly bad cramps, and I know everyone wanted to know that :P I came upstairs to find that only Sam and I were here, and that the house was holy hell. It was SO messy... overwhelmingly so. Sam was playing some online shooter game with the ps3, so I took matters into my own hands. I turned on Between The Buried and Me and cleaning up for a total of two hours. Within that time Abigail got home with the kids and it was really loud. My mp3's in disrepair and I haven't gotten my new one in the mail yet so I was listening to BTBAM throughout the whole room. I had to turn it off because of the stress level. I mean there were 10 extra people home all of the sudden! I was trying to sweep and Ab was sniffing and Camille was screaming and I almost LOST it. Man, this house is insane. That's why I'm graduating a year early. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, but at least I can change my scenery around a little. I was thinking ateam but that means I have to stay right smack dab in the church and if my parents aren't content with my intentions then maybe they wont even let me go. I don't know. I'm set on getting a job as soon as my 16th rolls around so maybe I can just go to Europe. I dunno. I hate being a teen. Why do people say these are the best years when clearly they're miserable? Haha I guess it's just what one makes of it. I'm trying my best to be positive.
Last night was so much fun :) We went to Joannie's house and watched a little movie with all the girls. I ate popcorn ^_^ I think I'm doing better with that, except I haven't eaten yet today.
Afterwards we had choir practice. I'm telling you, first soprano is no piece of cake. My voice is more cut out to be an alto, but the girls on soprano are freaking horrible at singing. You can probably sense my agitation. I hate singing in that group, because they all have these weak, off tune, airy voices and then there's me. I'm not bragging, but I can actually sing a little. Not amazingly, but I have a good range and stuff. When choir was over Mariel, my cousins Audrey and Janet and I practiced singing two songs we're doing for the xmas feast. I have to sing first for those also. We each have our own part. It's actually really fun to do, and I look forward to it.
My parent's plane gets in at midnight tonight. No offense to them, but the only reason I want them to get home is so I can work on my story. It needs to be edited! I have barely gone a week without it.
Well. things here are getting crazy again. It's Abigail, Ben, Joe, Aaron, Me, Sam, Suzanne, Sonja, Jon, Charlotte, and Camille. Oh, and our sheepdog, Rosie. The others are still at the bazaar, in which I refused to go. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only sane person here. In a way, I am. The rest are Christians hahaha. I'm joking, ofc. I love them all. Things just get rough.
Especially in school. I understand that Aaron and Audrey, Ellen love me so they're just trying to do what they think is right, but sometimes it drives me up the bloody wall. I wont be angry with them because all along they were right. They tell me to stay away from someone and I don't listen. So everything that happened was my fault. I'm just too stubborn sometimes and I don't want to acknowledge that. I still want to have school friends, but from now on only certain ones. I'm way too naive. hahaha.
Well, I think I'll go now. I'm listening to Anna Lee now, the most amazing slow song I've heard in my life. After that come the Sonata Arctica songs. They're so amazing. But this song just rips my heart out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34Iyn0wsGSE

My attempt at the positives

I know I already wrote something today, but I guess I just need to write this. It's probably going to be funny/extremely lame, but that's how I am. Lame. :P
I woke up at 6.30 am and my legs were completely numb and I had to go to school, but at least they got their feeling back and I didn't have to stay home in this house with stressy Ab and m. I had to sit in art today and listen to Julia say what she says best. She was talking about how annoying some boy was and it's obvious he has problems. She is my friend, but I couldn't take her bs atm.
me: "Julia that's a terrible thing to say."
Her:"Well.. it was really annoying, and at least I didn't just say it right in front of him."
me: "If you couldn't let him hear it then why is it ok to say now?" Silence. She scowled at me and continued to draw. At least I can stand up to her.
In band today I sensed Daan staring at me from the trumpet section and I know he's mad, but at least I can just look the other way.
I failed a test in math but at least my grades are so good this semester that I'll still pass.
Period four was actually great! I had nothing to do in French so she let me walk across the hallway and sit with Ellen and Audrey and David and do my art project.
I was late to lunch and so I was at the back of the lunchline. I didn't want to eat anything, but at least this way I didn't have to stand with Aaron and Audrey and Ellen and have them watch what I put on my tray and bother me about the fact that I wont eat meat. I find it repulsive. Daan came and stood with me in the line and tried to talk to me. I talked to him back, but I was very blunt. At least he didn't bring anything up.
I had to write an essay in enlgish, but at least I like English.
I had lab today but at least Skylar was there and I know I can tell her anything.
In global we took tons of notes like everyday, and Janette wouldn't walk with me there or talk to me, but at least Daan would. I find he's a huge part of my day and it bothers me greatly. I wish I could switch schools.
I had to sit alone in earthscience today, but at least we did something slightly amusing.
I had to come home and clean up and stuff, but at least I always have my room to go to.
I had to eat dinner with the family, ofc. Aaron notices things I wish he wouldn't. At least it was an easy cleanup.
I spent 1/2 hour cleaning up the table and then Ab made me do with dishwasher, but at least there were just bowls, spoons, and cups. (a lot)
I have to go to activity club now and spend the evening with my Church friends, but at least I know these ones will never hurt me or say things behind my back. Once again, I ask myself about the purpose of this post.

Today's worries

I'm supposed to be eating dinner. I don't even want dinner haha. I'm hopelessly lost in the hallways of my mind today. I find the tables and mantles are sleeping in dust. Every door looks the same but on the other side there's something... something unimaginable. It's weird to think of it like this but it's exact. I don't even think long-term about what I do anymore. I just...do it. Well today I stayed after school to finish my art project. I was honest for once, cause I actually did it! I didn't finish but I got a lot done. I'm not satisfied with my honesty. I did what I was supposed to that was that. Sometimes I like to be badass. Ok more than sometimes. Oh well I'm being yelled at to get to the table. Bullshit. I have to be more positive!

random musings

I often wonder what it would be like to be an only child. What would it be like? haha I can only imagine. I'm glad I'm not, because I wouldn't be have the person I am today. Having so many siblings makes me have mental problems and be crazy and weird haha. What kind of a writer would I be if I was a boring only child with no good story of my own to write. I would be more lonely than I am with no one to tell anything. Thank god I was put where I am so I can be the person I am. What a useless post. I'm feeling useless haha..

If I were British...

So today I woke up and again, I almost couldn't drag myself out of bed. But I had already promised myself that I would have a good day. Feeling sad would just break me. So, I got up, dressed, put in my contacts, and put on some mascara. (shhhhh)
The house is always so freezing in the morning and so i wear a giant hoodie over my clothes until the bus comes. It looks funny,cause I have skinny legs :P Anyhow, I'm the only bright person in the mornings. Everyone else just walks around all tired and I come up and grin and scream "GOOD MORNING!!!" I ate a banana for breakfast and then.bus.school.
Nothing interesting happened in school today.

Pics from everywhere...

From the left: Sonja, Evelyn, Kathryn, Jonny, Charlotte, Camille, and Suzanne

Joe LOL
Marg.. god, she's gorgeous
Sonja
Charlotte :)
Rosie
Charlotte <3 onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiP7C6Zsb9OecIP5A5YKe7lD0ksYzLPcf-xCk-HlycRiEkXpaHJEf4IHMmZn6G8Can8Mwy5JeDW2SFoBWGZF-IJj86sKtmbGWbIfbq-0vnalzh8_wxLzEJCkuZbWR61MhaUr7x4jGMMEuCd/s1600-h/mom+007.jpg">Camille!
Ellen..
Me, making Will hysterical :P
Don't ask me how I grinned that big.. Audrey behind me haha
HAHAHA she's hilarious
Jonny, being absolutely perfect :)
Claire and Janet...

Rien...

So today I woke up in time for second trip. I really didn't want to go in, and I knew it was going to be a terrible day. But, Ben was up with the kids since my parents are gone and he made me go, no matter what. So I went and I was right. I tried to have a good attitude but I was too depressed. I couldn't smile. Well, I did once or twice, but I'm just trying to get back up and forget it and get past the bad dream(s). I don't really know what to do with myself!
So now Im sitting here writing this. I don't know what to write, even. Usually people write about their days but why would I want to? Ha.
Oh, I'm getting sims 3 for xmas, and thats exciting, cause I get to build and design houses! I love doing that :)
tomorrow will be better, I swear it :) Dream Theater live tour soon!!!! <3

I write this too often

Life is so weird. I don't really know what to say about it. I feel like I want to break down and cry and eat doughnuts and lay on my floor for days. Talk about depression... I don't want to be a sad person. I don't believe in reincarnation, so as far as I know I only have one chance at life. I don't WANT to be sad, and everyone always says "you can tell me anything, Molly" and then when I tell them... it just doesn't work. I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself... oh well.
But then there's this other part of me that wants to jump up and scream and be like WHO HOOOOO!!!! I DID IT!!! Did what? Solved a problem, stood up for what I want, didn't just fall over dead like a failure :) I actually did what I had the mindset to do! (that's a big step)
Tonight was girls' fellowship. That's where all the youth girls 12 and up get together and eat food and talk and read an article from brunstad.org or smith's letters or something. We sit there and talk about it and stuff after and then eventually the conversation goes to normal things. I will admit I zone out a lot, but there's still a part of me deep down. It's like a tugging, and I know that there is something inside me that wants to be just like the other girls, to be fighting. I don't know, sometimes I feel like that which is normal. I see them and from the looks of it they don't care for anything but being together. I love them all but I can see so clearly that there are other things I care for also. I have a strong longing to visit somewhere else and see something new, to just try something new. But now I'm not allowed. Ever since I told mom that I don't care for the church she told me I can't go somewhere else. I don't know if that's true. I was angry that day and I would take that back, I think. Sometimes it's better to keep things to oneself. I just hated feeling like I was hiding this huge thing from my parents, but now that they know I feel like I'm disappointing them. I didn't like living a lie and pretending. And they think I have this guy problem at school. Mom, if you're reading this which I wouldn't doubt, I honestly don't. Well from this day on anyway. I feel no need to stay after or whatever, and yes, I'm going to skip school more again :P I feel silly... and kinda gross! haha :)
Anyhow, I don't very much enjoy being there for the fellowship but those girls are the only true friends I have. (almost) They're always there for me, not matter what. Especially Audrey. I actually told her things that I can't bring myself to even tell my own brother. I laughed with her and cried with her. It's not her fault she has an emotionally detached friend who may or may not have some mental problems. I really hope I'm ok. She helps me a lot with things and she loves me. She doesn't think I'm stupid. It hurt me so badly when she wouldn't talk to me in school because of someone I was friends with. And now that that's gone, I see that I was pretty stupid, the choices I made there. She's x100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 important that he. I know my friends in school don't truly care for me. I know they don't honestly care for me like the church kids do. All my friends are invited to a party and guess who's not? They always do things together but they never invite me and they always talk about it in front of me. Haha I guess I don't care that much. I prefer being at home writing and stuff. It just makes me wonder. They're always like "Molly don't graduate early I'll cry!" I just laugh and assure them that NO, they will not. :P
Well, what else could I possibly write about? I have NO idea... I have a love/hate relationship with myself as I expressed in the previous paragraphs. It's kind of weird, as I expressed.
So tomorrow I'm going to go to school and be really quiet and just kinda... hide for a while haha. I'm good at being quiet, but everyone thinks I hate the world because of my expressionless face. Oh well, I'll write later! :)

OMG

LOOK AT MY BEARS!!! I should put my short short story here :)

Suppose someone approached you at the market. Bear (aw!) with me here, because I surely have a point, otherwise I would not burden myself with talking to the likes of you. There was once a young man that did this to me and now I should like to put you into my shoes.
Do not think that I've gone off the beaten track with my previous statement, to imagine someone approaching you at the market. It is a warm day in late September. The market square is full to the bursting point with vendors and shoppers; traders. Colourful banners hang about and are teased by a gentle breeze that carries the scent of baked goods and fresh food to the noses of those too poor to buy it. The noise is almost overpowering but it's joyfulness eases your worry about being in a vicinity among so many other beings. Jesters stand in every open space presenting tom-foolery for a few coins and musicians play to the best of their ability (sadly, it's poor) with the same, amiable goal. Everywhere people are talking and laughing.
So anyway, there you are, lost in humanity, and a young man approaches you. He tries to push past you and move on, but there are so many people that all he succeeds in doing is stepping on your foot. Unfortunately for him, you take this as a threat. And unfortunately for him, your genetics have been tampered with throughout the years and you're not wired correctly. Unfortunately for him, you've been trained to be a hero for the past ten years and this is your first time in public since childhood.
In your poor, disconnected mind, the only thing that makes sense to do is take a dagger from your cloak with deathly speed, and plunge it into this man's heart. And so you see, the reason I have rotted in this cell for the past forty years is because I was charged with the murder of the Prime Minister's son. May I kindly ask you to not touch my foot?

A wild swing from yesterday :P

WELL that was weird. So I....... oh mom you're going to kill me. I wont say. Can't bring myself to say it. Anyhow it was gross. And so I've made some choices, was brave about it :) I have no idea what the hell I'm doing, but I think I'll be ok. With all my heart I want to get away. away from this town. eugh. someday.