Thoughts

I tell myself over and over, things will get better. That's what I've been saying for six months now. Although my hopes for this have faded from time to time, I have moreover clung to it. I usually make it through a day with a somewhat positive outlook; it's when I'm all alone at night that I feel life is all too difficult to force myself through. I lie awake until four or five, sometimes I pace. Thoughts of my dreary existence flood my mind. What have I?
There is the constant fear of my appearance. I relapsed, to say the least. The pressure to be skinny and beautiful and perfect and have friends (of which I have few, is ever present. I try to manage what I eat. Salad, yogurt, oatmeal, water. Sometimes I slip up, and I have to pay for that. My legs and core are sore from working out and I have cold symtoms from running in the cold. I want to lose ten pounds before I go to Jamaica, but I'm far too afraid to weigh myself. I know the number will be higher than I would like. I fear it will be in the 140's. Obese Molly. I should be 120, more like 115. It's difficult to function when I feel like I'm swimming in my own lard.
I have very few friends. I go about my life with no one to talk to. I have two good friends from school, of which I only see when there is school, and I'm on vacation right now. This means I don't see them. I have my family and church. Oh god, how I hate church. I hate everything they talk about, and I'm even beginning to dislike the people there. Sometimes I regret deciding to "go back." I thought it was my only choice because I was so overwhelmingly miserable and suicidal. But it's not helping. The thoughts of nonexistence still exist. I doubt my parents see it to a great extent. I'm the girl who smiles all day and falls asleep with tears in her eyes. That is, if I fall asleep at all. All my old friends are gone. They don't have time for me, and I feel as though I'm the only one who cares.
School has already proved far too difficult for me, and I haven't started nursing yet. I barely passed my anatomy and physiology class, so I decided if I cannot pass that, I have no hope for nursing. I'm simply not smart enough. It means I'll probably be dropping out after next semester and joining the army or something.