New realities, singularities, breaking all illusions

I think this time I'll get out ahead. Come Monday, although it's near Christmas, I'll collaborate with my mom and make some phone calls. It's time that my issues aren't ignored and stored in my family's back room of denial. Some people don't like to admit these things, but I only find it difficult to say to my family; I need help. I want to erase it right now and pretend it never traversed the corridors of my conscious mind. But that would do me no good. I have to face the evils of which I've nurtured and let grow inside me. If I'm to do anything of importance, I have to stay alive. I would like to say I didn't need my old friends and family to help, but the truth is, I do. I need them more than ever.
I suppose that's why this entire process has steadily become more impossible for me to face. My friends barely speak to me anymore. They always have things to do and I'm never included. I talked to Cassi yesterday and she informed me that she was at the movies with "everyone", a word when placed here means, our entire circle of friends, minus me. I have since faded from their realm of importance, it seems. I've been replaced by someone else.
As much as I'd like to insist that I don't need her, I need her now more than ever. She's my best friend, my soulmate. I'm so close to falling apart. If only I could write here the thoughts that cross my mind every night, but I cannot, only because I'd be under surveillance in a psych ward before I could say, save me. Cassi is the only person with the ability to make it all better. She can make me laugh when I feel as though it's imperative that I die, or when I can't feel anything at all. When I've had a bad relapse she can always talk me into starting over and trying again. She's the only person with sense enough to slap me in the face when I call myself fat, or discuss how pointless my life is. Sometimes I'm even afraid to describe to her my thoughts because of how I know she'll react. She'd punch me as hard as she could, and yell, "stupid fucking retard! If you say that again I'll literally cut your face off!" That's what I need. I don't want anyone's damn sympathy, I want Cassi hitting me and telling me to snap out of it.
Why does this matter? It appears my best friend no longer has time to see me. She has her own life and friends to tend to, and there's little I can do to change that. I'm far too afraid to tell her how angry I am with her. I'm so angry, because the entirety of the summer, save for my agonizing depression over Austin, consisted of her promises. Promises that we would spend every weekend together, that she would occupy my Sundays, and moreover, that she would always be there for me.
None of this happened, as you can imagine. She's far too busy I suppose. Although, I am a nursing student and I still would have forced myself to make time for her, because I love her so much. I'm not sure I have anything else to talk about. I need to make a list of the good things going on in my life so I don't end this post as sadly as the last.
1. My family. Yes, they're a bunch of assholes more than half of the time, but I've learned that by teasing me and making me look a complete fool, they're telling me how much they love me. They're not here for me when it comes down to life and death, but how can they? I've already mentioned the room of denial. I still love them, and we have a ridiculous amount of fun together.
2. My ability to write. I don't believe I would be here without an outlet such of this.
3. Jamaica. Yes, I will disclose that I'm spending an ungodly amount of money on a trip to Jamaica with my three older sisters. I'm extremely stressed about next semester's expenses because of this, but hopefully I will make it through. I hope this trip helps me.
4. Running. Something as simple as this is what keeps me sane. It's sad to me that it's begun to snow, because I can't run outside when the weather is ill. For one, there isn't enough space on the roads and I fear I would be run over by the snow plow. And secondly, my asthma wont allow such a thing.
5. Swanson. He's my little kitty and as stupid as it sounds. I need him to cuddle with at 4 a.m. when I can't sleep. It happens every night. There is such a thing in nursing called pet therapy. Swanson is my therapy kitty.
I can't think of anything else at the moment, besides the practical things such as food and shelter, but I don't care about that at the moment. I live a rather empty life. Oh wait, I'm not supposed to end this post sadly...
My oldest brother, Ben, and his wife, Ashley, are finally headed home tonight. I haven't seen him since June. He's going to ship out to Afghanistan soon. I can't wait to see him. He usually lectures me about life for about twenty minutes every time I see him. He barely finds room to breathe, he talks so much.
And Christmas is soon. I don't know if it's something exciting, but it's something.