Today I decided that I would never, ever go in a mosh pit- no matter the concert. No, I would never go in the mosh put, UNLESS it was a mosh of bears!!! Hahaha...
Today was another snowday, like yesterday. I spent the morning sleeping, of course, because when else can I sleep? Not at night, that's for sure. I then spent the day with my mom and a few siblings shopping, in which nothing happened. I came home and laid on my floor and ate some food. Then I went to the gym and then to em's apartment for a house warming party. Now I'm home feeling terrible cause I think I ate too much. Wow, how non-descriptive am I?

Tear Down These Walls for me...

Those are the words of one of my long-time favorite songs of Dream Theater. I can't put it in any other way that they give me a strange feeling, like they personally know me so they can write songs about me. I know that's a stupid idea, really, because I know that in most situations when people write things they come from the heart.
Today was a snow day. Good thing? For most people, I suppose. I couldn't care less if we were in school or out. Either way I'm working at forcing myself to be happy and positive. That's what I have to do, and I can't allow myself to become any more miserable than I was.
I can honestly say that the extent of my activities today were almost limited to none. I got up and did my hair, and ate breakfast. Then I wrote stuff, and laid of my floor and listened to music for like..3-4 hours.
I've begun a new story, in which I'm telling the tale in first person of a boy. He lives in a village where the sun is never out, but it is always raining. I haven't decided yet if I should make it that way because of a curse or something else. But this boy never belonged very much, and the myth went that he was left by a great bird on the shores of the far off island. He had no family, and I believe I'll write it in such a way that he's recounting his life. I want this story to be much deeper than HeadRush. I want it to mean something to me personally. HeadRush meant something, of course, but I want this new story to mirror my own feelings. I think that's supposed to happen when I write and it did at points in my previous tale, but I want this to be better. I think it will be.
I think I may be coming down with something at the moment. Oh well. Let's hope not. G'night!

Crawl inside my heart. It's not warm there yet, though.

I'm really quite embarrassed by my last post, seeing that I utterly wronged the meaning of a word. Perhaps I should look into the purchase of a thesaurus to better my language abilities.
Today I got up and went to the gym again. I find it amusing that mar and I are the only young people there. The others are aged and have been attending for years now. I like the idea of being healthy, and going through the day knowing that I've done something to be so. And today I've recognized my hero hahaha. The seventh grade science teacher is amazing to me. She's been going to the gym for years and she's very healthy, even though she's aging. She's all for animal rights and is very nice. I hope I can be healthy into my old age as well.
Art was fun today. We have to do black and white self portraits so I chose the one above for it. When I took the picture I liked the blunt, depressed look I had on my face so I decided that I would draw/paint that. I'll most likely mess it up, though. Then there was band, math, and French as always. I walked into a pole in lunch but besides that it was uneventful. There were the same weird/hilarious conversations as always. I felt annoyed.
In English we had to read Frankenstein out loud and I had to go first. Of course I get rather bored reading stuff so blandly ect, so I decided to read in a British accent^^. My teacher was astonished, and informed me that my accent "..is sick! Where did you learn that?!" haha It was amusing.
Then in lab, I was simply laboring over my work when my necklace snapped and tiny black/gray beads went EVERYWHERE. They went down the back of my shirt, along with the string. J. and I were laughing so hard hahaha and I jumped and screamed cause the beads/string were venturing down my pants. Well nothing else happened. I have homework to do before cleaning, and I would really like to get to bed earlier. So cya.

Time is coated in grease

I cannot deny that I don't miss the time that I've let slip from my livid grasp. These past few months have been... interesting. I can't say I mean it in a bad way, though, because what would I be if I hadn't experienced them? I can say I would have less scars inside and out, but perhaps I would be considerably more naive, and quite lost.
School has become somewhat of a different thing for me. I can't say that I haven't changed, because I have. I think I've become less crude, and I believe the choice I've made is a good one.
I went over to em's apartment on Sunday and when I went in there was a folded piece of paper on the table with my name on it. So I opened it, and GUESS WHAT IT WAS??!!Plane ticket confirmations to Norway! :D I'm leaving on March tenth, which is in fourteen days!!! EEEEEEEEEE! I told Caroline I'm coming and everything :) It's really quite awesome. I'm procrastinating against doing my homework, unfortunately.
Today was utterly strange. I wasn't in the best mood, I admit. Rather I was slightly depressed, very annoyed, perhaps a little sad. I was quiet. I found I didn't have anything to say- to anyone. I kinda just went along with the day keeping to myself. There wasn't anything wrong, but when I told someone "I'm not in the mood", and I meant it, they thought it was a joke. I really wasn't in the mood. I'm still not. I don't feel like doing anything but writing and lying on my floor. I'll force myself to do my math so I pass, though, and then I will do exactly what I'm planning. I will lie on my floor and cry for no particular reason. Maybe because it is relieving, and I will let myself breath. And still, time will slip through my fingers. I don't care. Time is time.

Your past is written on your face

I very much dislike the idea that small scraps of good ideas drift across my mind, such as my blog titles. I like the idea of them, but I cannot grab hold of them and pull in the whole thing, so I am lost, grasping at the breezes that have already swept them away.
Today, in my opinion, was a hectic, stressful, up and down day. I, like many others, long for summer. To lie in the dewy grass and watch the stars, to smell the cool breeze. Going about in winter is a nasty business in which I do not like to take part of. No matter the warm clothes I am wearing, the terrible wind always finds a way inside my coat to seep into my bones and mutter words of death to my circulation.
We went to the store, which was uneventful and amounted to nothing. I pierced my ears today. The experience made me want to be sick, but I'm glad I did it. It gives me air. That is a terrible picture of me, but nevertheless, my ear.
I haven't much else to write now. All I wish is for the random depression to lay off. I hate this bipolar. I hate it. I haven't anything interesting to say. For that, I apologize, although I don't know who reads this. I feel alone, and I know thats just my feelings. I've lost another friend.

HeadRush

I feel like I've been betrayed, and I honestly cannot say who by. Perhaps my friends, my family... myself. It comes along with that unbearable feeling of being alone. Or maybe feeling alone? I can say without blaming it on feeling sorry for myself that I've lost a delicate closeness to my dearest friend. Everything's gone and I cannot help but blame myself! I don't believe it can ever be the same. A part of me wishes to forget, to move on, to pretend nothing ever happened. But another wants to keep pulling at the partially healed wound. It wants things to go back as they were, and I doubt that can ever be. Simply put, all of these thoughts boil down to one word. Depression. I'm fine when I can be distracted, but when I alone, oh, even when I dream it is there! I cannot be happy when I have to face that voice in my thoughts. Even music does not cure it. It is louder than thunder. I don't know what to do about it.
I finished my story and today Aaron and I will go to print it/get a copy. I will not keep the copy. It's not really mine to keep. It's more something that I owe. I still cannot think of a title for my story. It's significant in that it's the first piece of literature I've finished, but next time I write something I aim that it can be deeper, and that it can mean more to me. I think something like that has to come with time. I'm excited to spend the day with Aaron. I want to do something fun and adventurous with him, but I don't know what kind if mood he could possibly be in today. I hope that it's a good one.
It's snowing again today, and it's only mid-February. I've lost the wish that time can go as slowly as possible. I don't care for that anymore. I want it to be Spring so I can breathe and leave behind this wretched, sad winter. I want to run, to feel the pain exploding in my ribs as I know it will. But I wont stop when that happens.
My birthday's pretty soon. I've easily found what I want for it, but I don't suppose I'll ask for it. My mother has different ideas of what I'd like. In my mind I'd love a Nightwish shirt and then to simply get music via amazon, since downloading is illegal. I'd especially like Eluveitie's new album.(WHICH COMES OUT FEB. 19!!!!!) In my mother's mind, I would like to get maybe a typwriter used, and to get a copy of my story. I dont want to ask for what I want.
Now look at what I've just written! There are very few people that would enjoy reading this, save for relative who care to 'save me' and perhaps like reading up on my life just to talk about it among themselves with concern creased faces. Mhm I should learn my part for choir.

BAKE THAT CAKE!

I had fun today. I finished my story (:D:D:D:D:D:D:D) and I baked a cake!!! (at 1:30 am)

You know what it is to believe. It makes me want to scream.

This title fills me with inspiration and rage. It quite illustrates everything I feel. I know not how I've come so close to love Angels and Airwaves. They fill in the words that I cannot think of myself.
Today was a rather amazing day :P I am nearly finished with my story, which is absolutely exciting to me. I've finished one story before, and it was a rather disturbing one in which a boy with insane ideas of how society should work murders his family and afterward himself. My mother read this, and since then, asked me if I am ok. I have not finished a story since. Luckily for my mother, this story is of a polar opposite genre, and I have learned some new words besides fu*ck. I star out the letter for my mother, who reads this and has complained to me in front my father that my language is sickening. I wonder what she thinks of me, especially when I am in school? The idea is slightly amusing to me, yet I feel a tinge of guilt.
Right now I am waiting for my youtube movie to load. I'm watching Misery, the disturbing movie based off of Steven king's genius book, also called Misery. I am also experiencing a burning feeling in my chest, but I know why that is, and I cannot say I will do anything about it. I do not know if I can. I love Steven King and I aspire to be a very good writer as he is, although my genre is different. At the moment I cannot pretend that I could possibly compare.
Today, being February 14 (yesterday, really) is/was Valentine's Day. I am feeling sorry for myself for two reasons today, the first being a very lame, pathetic, and cliche one. Of course that reason is that I am alone, which is stupid. I do not feel sad that I am not in a relationship. In all honesty I don't believe I could care less. It's just that Carnations are my absolute favourite flowers, so I wish for someone to fall in love with me just so I can simply have a carnation. I love their smell.
The second reason I have to feel sorry for myself, on the other hand, is very valid. As today is the fourteenth, it is also a very (very) close friend's Birthday. I will be kind and courteous and I will not mention this person's name. All the girls my age in the church, including one older than I (the birthday girl is younger) were invited, besides me. I was a little surprised at this, as I thought myself a friend of their family and had never before been denied and invitation, especially when everyone else was not! I have concluded that the family finds me too worldy and a bad influence for their girls, in that I believe, all things considered, slightly different things than them, in which they, in their strong faith, will not bend and accept. That is fine with me. They may remain as they wish, and I will move on. I will be more than that. I am bothered by this, though, for how can I not be? It has come to the sad point where I am denied to see my friends because I have chosen a path different from theirs at a slight. Oh well.
I havent much else to write today. I brought Rosie on a walk, which went fine, and I also discovered upon bringing her to the bathroom with me that she fails at being a piss partner. I found this idea very amusing and proceeded to 'laugh like a fool' as a close friend from school would put it. And now I tire of writing in this fashion. I shall commence to watch my movie. Adieu!

You'll never fly until you try

I love that saying. It scares me quite a bit, but it makes so much sense. I decided that life is too short to take no chances and do what I want. As lame as that is, I'm going to take it.
I've missed the first bus, but the second trip will come any minute. I have to finish my story, so I wont be writing here. A part of me was tempted to put it here lol here's a section of it, though. A small happening.

Robert Chance was sitting on his front steps, trying to ignore the fighting within his house. His parents were arguing again, as per usual, and he couldn’t stand it. At this point, the question in mind was why they were together. He was beyond the devastation of a divorce. He just wanted some quiet.

Inside the large, three story Victorian home, a glass shattered. The boy rolled his eyes, and let loose an exasperated sigh. He stood and tossed a glance at the house, and started walking across the expansive lawn towards the side walk.

Robert stopped for a moment and looked at his home. It was large and luxurious. He pushed the white blond curls out of his eyes and a smile spread across his face, knowing that he was never going to return. It was almost comical; the fact that a rich boy going missing was going to cause quite the ruckus.

He stood at the front gates to his home, still able to hear what was going on inside.

“You were down at that god damn barber shop again, weren’t you? I’m sick of your shit, Kate, sick of it!” His father shouted harshly.

“I was grocery shopping for you! You, and your son! You’re the one fucking your secretary, as usual!” She screamed back.

“I’m a mistake.” Robert whispered to himself. “I’m not supposed to be here, am I?” His smile was gone, and he took a step onto the side walk. Nothing here mattered anymore it seemed, because all he did was get in the way.

His figure was bent over in the shadows with his hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans. If a passer by were to observe him they wouldn’t think it was anything out of the ordinary. He walked down the street straying away from the lamps and stepping over the cracks, a superstitious habit he had picked up over the years.

“I’m never going back there.” He muttered to himself. “For almost sixteen years I’ve lived with that…that shit! I bet they’ll kill each other over whose fault it is that I’m gone. But maybe they won’t even care.”

At that moment the side walk began to crack around him. It screamed with pressure and before Robert could react, it gave way and he found himself grasping at the edge, the rest of him hanging into oblivion.

[All right, buddy, get a hold on yourself.] He tried to talk himself through this incomprehensible situation. [Carefully pull yourself up…] He began to move, but the side walk piece broke off and Robert was falling into a blackness that swallowed his existence.

from the very beginning :P

Another chance

I've concluded, that after reading through my previous post several times that I've got to try it again. I'm an exceedingly happy person, all things considered. Sometimes I want things that I cannot have, and it makes me want to cry. I must keep telling myself, though, that there's always tomorrow, and there's more to this life. Damn, I'm so lame it's getting quite annoying. I have to write other things, and now!
Today I got up with absolutely no trouble. I didn't sleep well last night, as always, and the tiredness came later today. I don't know what I was thinking, putting on my dress. I should not have put it on. It's green and knitted and comes short of my knees. When I sit down it comes up. I suppose I like it, that's why I put it on. I never thought I'd hurt from wearing a flipping dress, though. That's a completely different story, and one I do not wish to share online haha.
Art was amusing, as always, besides the fact that we had a sub teacher, which is not cool for art. It was the woman who wanders around and pokes into everyone's business and gets quite annoying. I pity her, though. One day she was wearing sparkly clear heels and everyone was laughing at her, at which point she began to cry. I of course assured her that her heels were belle and that I would wear them any day. I would, perhaps, if I was feeling quite diverse.
Gym was awesome, actually. We played bad minton, which I excel at, because every summer me, Marg, and Aaron always play. I loved it^^
Then there was math aka stress fest. I have to make up a test for that class and I hate the material and I do not understand it. Next year I will have to take regence chemistry, which is complex math stuff. If you haven't collected, I am terrible at math and I barely pass it each year. I am also comma happy haha.
Then there was French, which I love love love. Unfortunately Mrs. Laing was annoyed at me for 'disrupting the class by talking' just as everyone else does from past times and she made me be silent. I had so many things to tell Avery. And get this! She's totally head over heals for danny, and she's acted so terrible to him all year and treated him so badly. I guess that's her way of saying "I'm in love with you"? hahaha I was kinda annoyed with her for that but whatever. It doesn't matter. Not anymore. Maybe never. Probably forever more.
Then there was lunch. Mostly normal. Uneventful.
After, English, in which we are watching a version of The Scarlet Letter, and it's utterly hilarious. I was trying to figure out who Dimmesdale was, but I could not place him!
http://inthenameofmovies.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/oldman-as-dimmesdale.jpg
http://www.valleyofwishes.net/site/images/newspost_images/tuomaspromo5-everdreamers.n.jpg
Ha, I wasn't thinking of a movie, I was thinking of the keyboardist for Nightwish lol.
After that I had study hall. Every other day when I have that I meet Audrey in the library. Today I was making the cover page for my Astronomy unit for Earth Science, and I drew a random circle of squigelies. After which I stated "looks like my first hair cut" I fell out of my chair, laughing my ass off. It wasn't even funny, really, but I was just so annoyed and stressed and tired that I simply couldn't hold myself back!
Global, nothing fun. I almost cried. Band lesson instead of earth science.
I do not wish to recall the events after school. I must finish my homework, I guess, and I have to jump rope and do yoga. It's my alternative to the terrible treadmill and works so much better for me. It's killer to jump rope. And yoga? It's relaxing and I love the idea of bending down into a bridge and standing back up^^
I've just eaten an apple, two pieces of pizza, salad, and some chocolate chips. I'm very overdue for a workout, and the idea of running in spring is so romantic :)
HAHAHA something random: I was thinking about on the film Saving Silverman when the guy was doing yoga naked. He had his legs folded over his head and the phone rang lol. It was so hilarious. I'm writing about nothing now, which is an excellent way to procrastinate.
I should do what I have to now. I've gotten a new band called Citadellion. You can download their new and first album on their myspace for free if you like Rhapsody of Fire or anything like that. It's really really good. It reminds me of Angra a little too. I'm listening to it again. Ben downloaded three Bodom albums for me too, and I've listened to them to death. I love Bodom. I don't understand how people can have no opinion of music. Music is a major part of my life. Well of course I don't understand. I'm quite narrow minded in that way, I suppose. Alright, I really have things I must do. I'll write something that is hopefully more inspiring tomorrow.

She winces as she smiles

There is pain in me, but I can still smile. All I need is a moment. It hurts. It hurts. I feel stupid, overly so, and sick, and annoyed, and gross. I feel many things, but there is always hope. I will stand my ground and I will live, prevail. It hurts to feel like I meant nothing, all this time. I was just a notch in your belt, and now, I'm nothing.
In other news, I don't know if I'll finish my story. I've dashed the deadline once more. It might fly, it might not. I dont feel like doing much. I'm never wearing that dress again.

slaying the dreamer

I had a really strange dream last night. I went to prom and we were lying on the beach in the dark, and the water was rushing over our heads. It was only 46 degrees f, but according to d.w. the water was 80 lol. It was sooooo vivid! It was all in all a terrible dream, but it was a little cool. I'd like to paint it. I think I will get a hold of water colour paints and do it^^ It's going to be interesting.
Today was lame. It was a typical Sunday. One gets thyself out of bed and forcibly goes to sit through something they do not thoroughly agree with. They then go to choir practice where they have to sing with people who cannot learn a part and sing all the wrong notes. Then they have to ride in their freezing car home and force themselves to eat lunch. Afterward they have to do their homework and want to work on their story, but they cannot because the comp is in use. Then, they feel terrible about everything, so they force themselves to jump rope, but it doesn't help. They still feel bad. They get to work on their story, yes, but then there is supper, and that person eats too much. They feel like jumping rope again. She thinks she'll do that before bed. Ha. I'm so lame :(

Her eyes were will green when the stars fell

I'm sitting here after a long day of work in my room, stressed as hell. I have so much work from school and I have to finish my story. That leads to the the question: why am I on here writing this? Good question, genius! I've decided that Camille's English is like a Chinese person trying to speak it lol. She's only two, though. Well I have things to do...

Another day, lost and happy in reality :)

I barely slept last night, but that's fine with me. I went to school today for the first time in...eight days? Including the weekend, of course. I rather missed my friends, and they missed me too. Everyone hugged me :P I was nervous that things would be strange, but everything was almost normal, and when I say everything I mean everything. I write this with a smile. I'm so glad for everything in my life right now. It's a feeling of lightness, but underneath it all is that unsteady nervousness, dwelling in my stomach, pulling worriedly at my sides. But this time I know I have done nothing wrong. Perhaps it will pass with time. I know deep down that all I must do is relax.I do not want time to pass. The time I have for the rest of this year is as precious as gold to me. More valuable, in fact. If I was offered a ton of gold versus doing this year again I would opt for the second so I could learn to enjoy some things, and experience some things again. I want to live my life with no regrets. I know that takes a lot of work, but I'm determined that I can do that soon.
Alright, enough musing. I'm so tired at the moment and I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. I'll get up early and do a lot of homework, paint my bed, put together my bookshelf and paint that also, get Kathryn moved into my room and arrange it, and then maybe I'll have a chance to work on my story! I have less than a month and it's so important to me right now, ugh. Time just slips through my fingers and then it's gone. There is no getting it back, which is depressing. I will not have it that way, though. I will enjoy every moment for what it is. God, I am SO lame!

Beyond the eye's sight

She stood, ankle deep in the freezing snow and put an arm up to the the tree's trunk. She focused on the texture beneath her fingertips and a wry smile reached her chafed lips. It did not fill her pale face, but merely sat upon her mouth and waited to be dismissed a few seconds later.
"I know I did everything wrong." She whispered to the wind. Her voice was thick from crying. "But please, don't make me carry this altogether too heavy burden with me all my days."She choked on her words. "Please, take it away and let me breathe this fresh air that is already surrounding me. It seems as though it is just far enough that I will never taste it's clean life."
The girl looked at the carved words on the tree and took a step back. A feeling of lead settled in the pit of her stomach and dragged her downward to her knees. She let herself sit there in the biting cold, holding back the tears that threatened to ruin her perfect pale features, and turn them into an angry red blotch of a monster as they always did.
"If you wish to let go, then let go." The whisper lightly caressed her ear, and when she turned, there was no one there but the lonely weeds of winter, brown and riddled with cold.
The girl pulled herself to her feet, now nothing more than a silhouette in the twilight field. Her shoulders sagged, hands hanging at her sides, and her hair jagged from the chill.
"You expect me to just move on?"
"Yes." His voice sounded distant but she knew better than that. He was closer than ever.
"I can't do that without you, and you know that." She snapped. There was a long silence and nothing was to be heard but the wind abusing the shrubs and weeds, and the single tree that stood alone and tall in the middle of the field. Then he replied, speaking the words that she had longed to hear for so long.
"I forgive you. You know I'll always love you, sweetheart. Now take a breath, and live. You're amazing. I know you can do it."
Her mouth dropped open and then closed once more, her lips quivering. Tears tracked down the planes of her cheeks and slipped down her neck. And the thing of it all: she let go.
The girl's face lit up and an abounding smile made her face new. She placed her hand over her chest and felt the quickened beat of his heart. He was happy, and she knew that somewhere, far away, fighting his own battle, she was keeping him alive with her own strength.
"I love you." She whispered one last time, turning away from the tree. She walked homeward with a new hope sprouting in her chest. Things were going to be different. Things were going to be better. And she loved him.

"Je ne sais pas que elle vouloir!"

Everything isn't happy, but you can always try to make it that way. How lame am I? Life has gotten better for me. I'm still really lost. Lost in that deep fog that could cause me to crash at anytime. A lamp, can guide my way to a certain extent. I do not wish to live my life outside of this fog, because with it, there is always a surprise.
I had a lot of trouble falling asleep last night. I tried to do yoga, and I read my book, but I laid awake until 6 a.m. I was up by 10:30, which, all things considered, isn't bad. I decided that I don't mind insomnia. I'm smiling as I write this. I hope it isn't the terrible insomnia like in Steven King's book. When I read that I was terrified to go back to sleep. I was terrified I wouldn't be able to, and very soon I would begin to see little bald doctors hahaha. But I haven't seen crazy things, and if I decide to homeschool, then there is no problem with having a strange schedule. I know, though, that deep down there is a part of me that experiences severe fear. I know that I'm afraid to sleep because of the nightmares. They don't come if I have this weird schedule, though, so I'm not bothered by it. I'll bring it up when I see my counselour (crazy :P)
Today I will be going on a most amusing rampage in my room. I'll be giving half my bunkbed to Margaret as Abigail is moved(ing) out and I sleep on the floor. I have for two years. I admire the way the Japanese do it, and I've studied things about their rooms. Unfortunately I dont have a few thousand dollars to spend on real shoji doors, tatami, futons, and inshiji glass. Kathryn, who is sweet and amazing, will get the other bed. I'm going to sand it down and paint it white as well as all the framage and window in my room. The walls will be a blue green, and I'm going to do cool stencils. We have a white bookshelf and I'm hoping to get a white shelf for my things as well. Asian theme!!! I'm excited, as this will give me something to spend my time on for this coming week :) Next week I might be going up to stay in Canada, which will be fun. I miss my Ottawa friends. Mel C. promised that I can shovel her driveway lol.
You see, Molly? There is SO much more than Cato. I have come to that realization, but I want to believe it. I think that takes time, and also me experiencing the world. Ha, this day has given me a new hope. I have the slight feeling as though I'm grasping at the wind with this uneasy happiness, but that will pass with time. Life is life, and I will bear what it brings with as much hope I can muster. Thank god for today. If he's there, I'd like to thank him for all he's given me. <3