Schoolschoolschool

I know I shouldn't be wasting precious study time writing here. I have a paper on "Hamlet" due tomorrow and a nursing exam on Tuesday. I had clinical from 5-3 this Saturday and Sunday, and let me tell you, I am EXHAUSTED. There's so much going on that I don't even have time for a nap. The good news: I am passing nursing! Theory is a breeze this semester, although clinical is more of a challenge as I'm on a med surge floor. This allots for a lot of different diseases and sicknesses that I get to learn about. Medication and patient care are far more complex. If I've come to one conclusion, that is that I'm absolutely sure nursing is what I want to do with my life. I'm not sure exactly when I made this decision, but I'm sticking with it, even if it means long nights, early mornings, and a whole lot of hair loss. Alas, there is more bad news. My eating problems have returned with a vengeance. I greatly dislike my body. I've even taken the length of going vegan to avoid weight gain. Everyone tells me I look good, and I'm in great shape, but I can't for the life of my make myself believe it. As soon as winter break comes I vow to seek out therapy, finally. I want to get better. And this time I want it to be for good. I can't go on like this, hating myself and putting myself down. It's half the reason I'm so sad, and so very negative about life. It's not fair to myself, my family, or my friends. Things need to change, and it starts with me. There's a fine line between being healthy and over-obsessed. I crossed it approximately four years ago. What else... well there are no new gentlemen in my life. Ha! I barely have time for me. Relationships are of little interest to me. I want to graduate, get my RN, and move north to Saranac lake. Screw living here, I'd rather be north where I feel peaceful and content with myself. Maybe someone nice will walk into my life there, maybe not. Right now I don't mind what happens. Life in the dorms is good. I've made some very good friends, and I've learned a lot things about trust. This is something I'm rebuilding with my parents and family. I understand no one is perfect, but once again, I cross the line. I need to repair that. I have lost friends here already, but not necessarily on my accord. I digress. Overall, I am enjoying myself (everything besides the stress.)I can't wait for the semester to be over so I can spend time with my family, and the best news: BEN IS COMING HOME FROM AFGHANISTAN IN NOVEMBER!! I need him to be safe. It's so close. I can't wait to see his face. I want to cry just thinking about it. That's all for now. I'll consider updating this more often if by some miracle I find the time. -Molly-Rose

The worst feeling is having my heart break all over again. I don't know what I would do if it weren't for my friends. I was desperate, sitting with my back to the minivan's bumper, crying and trying to make sense of this mess that is my life. I called Cassi, and she came and got me. I'm so glad to have her in my life. I spent the evening laughing with her and Jordan instead of in my bed, staring at the ceiling and trying to convince myself to live. Austin has managed to break my heart again. How stupid I was, to believe his lies. He will never love me again. I need to learn that. So today I am full of spite and anger. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness, nor will I give it to him. In other news, I am allowed to return to school in the fall. I am even living in the dorms! It's exciting. I get to leave Cato. FINALLY. All my hard work has payed off. It's going to be a marvelous beginning, and I shall never, ever look back. Sadly, I have to repeat the semester, which I am embarrassed to admit, but still. I shall be a nurse yet. I am far too lazy to fix any other thoughts of mine here.

An Overview in photos

Mes pensées

Les temps passe si vite! C'est mon dernier jour de clinical. J'ai un patient trés malade, et c'est beacoup de travaille. Je sais que je vais être un infermier, mais.. Pêut-être c'est ne pas le temps. J'ai pensée du suject pour trois mois. En fin, j'ai décidé que je quitte. En fin, je vais aller á Norvége poue une anée. Pour moi, il n'ya pas un autre chois. Je sais ça. Á ça pointe, je peux sourir. Mea convictions ne sont pas claires, mais c'est le temps. Alors, aurevoir, l'école d'infermiers. Je vais rétourner aprés ce anée.

You're an appirition, some freak, I suppose.

I feel as though I've fallen into an abyss. My progress in school is crumbling before my eyes, and it feels as though I can in no way stop it. My best friends hate each other, and if I wasn't afraid to express myself, I would tell them to stop being so abrasive to each other. It's going to hurt them later. I had been doing so well with my mood until last week. I know laying in my bed, crying, would in no way solve my problems, nor ease my pain. It was the only response I could muster that wouldn't threaten life or friendships. So I've been crying again, crying as though I've lost all hope of vitality. I tell myself it's going to improve. I'll push through. It's the same thing I've told myself for several years now. I suppose it has worked, in one aspect. I am still here.
Until I can cling to some new hope, I have no choice but to slap a smile on my face and pretend for the sake of everyone else.
I was watching everyone today. Most of the students around go to Syracuse uni. They're rich, arrogant, and act as though I'm invisible. The day I can get an SU boy to smile at me, or even notice me, I'll feel as though I'm not a transparent appirition.
I don't know where I'm going with these musings. The weather is drab, dingy, cold. It's been raining for five days. I don't savor my walks in the gray chill. My winter coat is too big on me, and the sleeves are still too short. Where am I going with these thoughts?
Three points until I'm passing. I suppose there is no option but to study.

Asthma

She was lying in an enclosed, dark place. The air was still and cold, and in the dim light, she could see her breaths in pained rasps of steam. It was hard to draw in air, and far more difficult to release it. She couldn't move more than an inch, nor could she see her surroundings. Despite these things, she knew it was safe. She would live if only by the utmost effort.
She tried to relax herself. This brought to her a slightly comical effect. Can you still a storm when it has reached it's full force? Rarely. She was no special case.
The silence stretched on. It was only broken by her quickly diminishing breath sounds. It came slowly, the thought that she was going to die. She would vanish from this dark place.
The girl groped in the dim around her. She felt the wood paneling and the door handle of the closet, but it would not open. There was no strip of light underneath the door. Her fingers came away with a coat of dust on their tips. How long had she been here? Months? Years?
A feeble cough reached her lips. She put her hand to her throat and tried to draw breath. It would not come. It felt like drowning. She knew she would die.

March

I got my first tattoo two days after I turned eighteen. It says "Trying to believe the scars unseen, the tears washed clean," with a feather. Imagine that. My family was utterly disgusted and disappointing in me. Imagine that. I love it. I feel as though it stands for all the struggles I've been through, and I feel no regret.
School is still going terribly for me. I'm trying to push myself through, but I fear I will not make it. I've applied to a four year school, but have not heard back from them. I think it's time I apply to other places. I do not want to return to Crouse. I'll do almost anything to avoid it.
Spring is here! Although it's only mid-march, it's nearly 70 degrees outside, and absolutely beautiful. I'm on Spring Break. I wouldn't actually call it a break, though. I get up, run, clean, study, and hang around with my sister. I suppose it is kind of a break.
I'm still alone. Sometimes it bothers me to not have anyone to talk to everyday and say goodmorning and goodnight to, but what am I to do? I can only wait. I feel like I really like someone, but he's my ex's good friend, and he has a girlfriend. If we ever ended up together, it would destroy our circle of friends. In my mind, it's not worth it. I can only wait. I don't understand why we feel such torture in being alone.
That is all I have to say. My life is as dull as when I last updated this.

February

Now that I think about it, I had every right to be nervous about nursing school. It's the most difficult, stressful ordeal I've ever put myself through. I've failed so many things and have had to do them over, I've failed the first big exam, and I've messed up paper work. The only thing I've good at is actual clinical, where I'm in the hospital taking care of people. Isn't that what counts? I have my next big test on Tuesday and I've been studying non-stop. It's so incredibly stressful.
Other than these things, I've been okay. I don't know what else to say. My life is school.

Nursing School

I've completed my first week of real nursing school. How exciting! Yes, I can truly say that I'm excited. I can also say I'm exhausted. It's 10.30 am, and I've been up since 5. Even more exciting. The terribly frightening aspect of it all: I know it's going to worsen as the weeks pass. Everyone that is new to the program (I was here last semester doing pre/co reques), is openly stating that they would like harder material, and asking when things will become more exciting and complex. I know better than that. I know that within two weeks from now, nursing school is going to be utter hell.
This week I've learned bedside care, bathing, fall prevention, gloving, and hand washing. It's just the basics that real RNs don't really do. It's more LPN work, but you have to start somewhere. I passed my validation etc, so all that's left is a load of reading. I don't know if I can make myself do it right now, although I'm in the library. Next week we'll do more basic care, like patient transfer. I'm not complaining, I'm scared for it to become difficult. I'm also starting a&p (hell itself), and sociology. I think I'll have enough on my plate that my life outside of school will become non-existent. Speaking of which...
I think I've finally done it. I've moved on. Thank the good lord that I did, too. Every failed relationship is the same in that no matter you deny it, you're going to think your ex is an asshole. I'm certainly not an exception. He cheated on me, I forgave him, he broke up with me, and then I let him use me. For months. So yes, that's my fault, but all the same. Shame on him. He has a new girl friend now. She's tall, a tad chunky, and bleached blond. She's pretty much realistic (bitch) barbie. Not that I should care... But again, I'm not the only one who hates the ex's new girlfriend, especially under the circumstances under which I knew Austin. I have not elaborated and I never will. Not here. I'm very glad to be rid of my feelings for him, although I haven't seen him in months. If I saw him face-to-face I wouldn't be so sure. No matter, I wont ever see him.
Unfortunately, I'm human. Just like everyone else, I don't want to be alone. And like everyone else, I've managed to find someone I really like. I don't know why I didn't see it before. Perhaps it was denial that held me back. I cannot be sure. I don't know where it will go, or what will happen, but I'm taking it slow. If we end up together officially, it wont be until summer, I would think. Nothing can distract me from school. I will not, by any means, fail this semester.
I think that's all. It's winter here in CNY, and it's very cold today. Probably 14f. I hear Sunday is going up to 50f, though. It's been changing a lot. I don't mind, it means I can run outside:) Cheers, all!

I just had probably one of the scariest experiences of my life. I was about to take a shower (well, a bath, since our shower is broken), and I was thinking about things. I was thinking about school starting, and... well, a lot of things that happened to me in the past. I will not elaborate. I wasn't sure what hit me. I couldn't breathe, I was crying, panicking. It took me several minutes to find my inhaler, and when I did, that was okay. I sat on my bed sobbing and shaking for probably twenty minutes before I texted a friend, asking if she'd please come over. I didn't know what was happening. All I knew was that I was NOT okay. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted it to stop. The gasping for breath, the waves of shaking, and the tears of fear. I hope it never happens again. I'm calmed down now, thank god.
On the other hand, Jamaica was great.