What have I to hide?

Sometimes, she had to admit, just sometimes it really hurt to remember it. But she wasn't dramatic. She knew it was her fault.. all of it. All the scars. Sometimes she tried to convince herself that it was not, that there was some other involved, the reason for her memories. But Lilium knew it was but a mask, no matter what they told her, and most of all, what she told herself. It was her fault no matter what angle it was looked at from. Her fault.
She found that sometimes even a glance at what she had almost become brought her to tears. It made it impossible for her to survive as such. That was not always, though. Sometimes when her being was stable, a gentle, warm breeze tousling her happiness, she could remember, and she would not care. It was the past, she told herself, and it could fall asleep forever with it's friends of dust for all she cared.
Lilium wished she could grant herself that attitude more often. Almost always, it hurt.
She woke that morning without the slightest idea that anything would be different. It always took her so long to dress, because she wondered, would he notice if she looked better? Would he care? Probably not, but there was a small part of her that said yes, you want to look nice!
He wasn't at school that day. Of course. She wasn't surprised. And that night, when she got home, disaster (or so she thought) met her face to face. And Lilium found that he no longer wanted her. He no longer cared, no longer loved. Perhaps it had been completely false. Maybe he had never loved.
She didn't think she could survive. What else could make sense in her head? Be alone, without him, her best friend, and what she thought more. Not ever. Lilium didn't feel as though she could breathe, and in her racing mind she let herself do something that never in her life, had she been level headed would do.
It was at an instant that she regretted that choice, and she prayed to god (whom she had trouble believing in) that it could simply be forgotten, left behind.
In short, he found out, after he had again decided that he 'could not live without her'. And he hated her for it. Told her terrible things about herself, how she was worthless.
In all of this Lilium lost her will for life, lost all the will inside, and she tried to end it. Now looking back she sees that the scars still sit as they were imprinted, a reminder of her mistakes, her stupidity. And it hurts. She didn't talk to anyone. Everyday she wished that it had worked. She didn't wish to exist.
It had been another dismal day, one of which she spent alone in silence, worrying about her own problems, trying to conceal the pain. And he approached her for the first time on months.
"I.." He started slowly, quietly. Lilium could not bring herself to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry." Though surprised, she did not look up.
He sat down beside her, and she moved away a slight.
"Lilium, I'm sorry. I.. you.. didn't do anything wrong."
"What do you mean. I ruined everything." She was on the verge of tears.
"I was with someone else the whole time."
And now she felt anger at this realization. Dead, flat out anger. Everything she had ever done, everything. All her misery. For what? She never wished to speak to him again. Never.
So now she sat, still as death, thinking. The sun's rays were cast diagonally across her scars. She had them, they were there, and she had been stupid. That had to be the end. There was no more mulling to do over the subject. It was gone. Gone forever.
Lilium had changed very much. She had moved on. And best of all, Lilium was the happiest she had ever been in her life. It didn't matter anymore.