When Day Breaks

I was utterly alone; that was a fact, and most of myself wanted to feel sorry for it. I wanted nothing more than to reside in my own misery..and most likely drown in it. But the latter told myself no. It was not them. They were not the cause of my loneliness, but rather myself. And who had taught this revolutionary idea? I could give the credit to the church, but unfortunately I see it as a very human idea. One must be responsible for their actions.
And besides, perhaps there is something changed about you that the others in the church see which you cannot. I tell myself this with the hopes that I can indeed change my mind. I want to believe that it is my fault that I felt as an outcast among the church members this weekend, and that I should try to fit in more. A part deep down agrees. But moreover I like to be sullen about the idea. They see that I'm not interested in what they believe, and they take that badly. In my mind they see it as a mission. A 'Save Lilium!' mission. I certainly don't mean that in a wrong way, of course. My life is precious and according to what they believe... me..leaving the church can only mean eternal damnation no matter how one looks at it about the spectrum. How unfortunate. I suppose I can afford to be carefree about it because I do not do bad things, and moreover I'm exuberantly happy.
Everyone has their bad days. Mine happened to be today. I found myself desperately alone among 800 others, and my friend, that is a challenging thing to do. Somehow I managed it! What a little snake am I! It happened to be the day in which Sam had sectionals so I could not spend time with him even if I wasn't at a religious function. In my mind I make the best of it although I wish to be elsewhere.
As I've most likely described before, Aaron is my closest friend. Perhaps it hasn't been so much like that over the school year because I've changed in ways he sees as sad, and I see as a revelation. I'm sorry. The summertime, the sweet, beautiful, luscious summertime, though, is a completely different story. Last year my brother and I spent everyday together. We biked to places or found things to do at home. Unfortunately this summer will be different. Aaron will be gone for an entire month! Oh what am I supposed to do with myself? Many of my friends will be gone. I'm hoping to actually spend time with 'school mateys' as I call them. And I will try to get a job. My mother and sister are trying to convince me of staying in a different place, in a church location for a few weeks. I've 'regretfully' declined, though. The only good reason.. no two good reasons I have are these: 1. I do not want to be in the church. So sorry, but I will go my own way, and I will not turn into a disappointment as I've seen so many others do. 2. I want to spend as much time with Sam as possible. When school starts again he'll be going to the west part of the state and according to him it might be a few months until I see him again. That does not please either of us, as can be imagined. I can't afford to be away for a few weeks when I could be with him. You might find it unintelligent or..some other thing, but he is very important to me. In more than one way he's changed my life for the better, made me so much better, so much more. I do not think I'll ever be able to thank him for that. And I do not believe anyone else will understand. That's how it always is.