When Day Breaks

I was utterly alone; that was a fact, and most of myself wanted to feel sorry for it. I wanted nothing more than to reside in my own misery..and most likely drown in it. But the latter told myself no. It was not them. They were not the cause of my loneliness, but rather myself. And who had taught this revolutionary idea? I could give the credit to the church, but unfortunately I see it as a very human idea. One must be responsible for their actions.
And besides, perhaps there is something changed about you that the others in the church see which you cannot. I tell myself this with the hopes that I can indeed change my mind. I want to believe that it is my fault that I felt as an outcast among the church members this weekend, and that I should try to fit in more. A part deep down agrees. But moreover I like to be sullen about the idea. They see that I'm not interested in what they believe, and they take that badly. In my mind they see it as a mission. A 'Save Lilium!' mission. I certainly don't mean that in a wrong way, of course. My life is precious and according to what they believe... me..leaving the church can only mean eternal damnation no matter how one looks at it about the spectrum. How unfortunate. I suppose I can afford to be carefree about it because I do not do bad things, and moreover I'm exuberantly happy.
Everyone has their bad days. Mine happened to be today. I found myself desperately alone among 800 others, and my friend, that is a challenging thing to do. Somehow I managed it! What a little snake am I! It happened to be the day in which Sam had sectionals so I could not spend time with him even if I wasn't at a religious function. In my mind I make the best of it although I wish to be elsewhere.
As I've most likely described before, Aaron is my closest friend. Perhaps it hasn't been so much like that over the school year because I've changed in ways he sees as sad, and I see as a revelation. I'm sorry. The summertime, the sweet, beautiful, luscious summertime, though, is a completely different story. Last year my brother and I spent everyday together. We biked to places or found things to do at home. Unfortunately this summer will be different. Aaron will be gone for an entire month! Oh what am I supposed to do with myself? Many of my friends will be gone. I'm hoping to actually spend time with 'school mateys' as I call them. And I will try to get a job. My mother and sister are trying to convince me of staying in a different place, in a church location for a few weeks. I've 'regretfully' declined, though. The only good reason.. no two good reasons I have are these: 1. I do not want to be in the church. So sorry, but I will go my own way, and I will not turn into a disappointment as I've seen so many others do. 2. I want to spend as much time with Sam as possible. When school starts again he'll be going to the west part of the state and according to him it might be a few months until I see him again. That does not please either of us, as can be imagined. I can't afford to be away for a few weeks when I could be with him. You might find it unintelligent or..some other thing, but he is very important to me. In more than one way he's changed my life for the better, made me so much better, so much more. I do not think I'll ever be able to thank him for that. And I do not believe anyone else will understand. That's how it always is.

What the heck is this???

I could see, even through the damp lighting of the flickering gas lamps that her pale lips trembled. Pearl brought her delicate gloved hand to them and held back a sob. She regarded me painfully with her large, soft brown eyes. They welled with tears and spilled over. Pearl brushed at them with a shaking hand, but she had already lost all chances at being anything close to calm.
"D-don't loose it, then, Lilium." She manged grimly. The beautiful young woman before me offered another mournful look. She brushed a strand of auburn hair out of her eyes and tucked it into her disheveled bun, the diamond butterfly clips clinking noisily.
My older sister put her hat on. She tried to smile. A bitter nod.
And she turned away, disappearing into the night. I stood still looking after my dear Pearl. That was the last time I ever saw her.


I began to write this today. I'm not sure what it is, but I love the idea, and I hope to continue with it. I must say, I'm vastly irritated today, and I feel guilty.

If there's no one beside you when your soul moves on, I will follow you into the dark.

I woke this morning with the immediate feeling that I would have what I like to call 'A Stupid Day'. And I was very correct.
I tried to do my math work first period and failed miserably. It turned out that I could not accomplish the simple task of finding the surface area of a stupid cube. So could I do my math work? Hell no. And what next? Oh yeah, how about that sixty bloody seven you got on your math test, Lilium? Huh? Oh YEAH! And if you're too stupid to do your homework you're going to bloody fail. Not only am I stupid, but my teacher cannot accomplish the bloody damn feat of showing us how to do something.
"Um I have a question?"
"WHAT? What is it? We don't have very much time. Do you REALLY not understand that?"
(Feeling stupid) "..Never mind." *fails at doing math homework.
Next was gym class, in which we golfed. Lilium cannot golf. She doesn't know how to hold the f*cking club after it's been demonstrated, let alone hit the gosh darn ball! UGH! I cannot play golf.
"That was an excellent hit!" -Sam after I've missed miserably. I hate gym, specially because my boyfriend is amazing at sports. God, and good at math. His "low score" this year was what.. %97? I'm illiterate in the two things. Of course the things I can do.. He cannot so much.
Oh well. It was just a really stupid day. I hope tomorrow's not so dumb, and I want my retarded hip to get better so I can run. I feel disgusting. ANYHOW, I think to sum this all up: Lilium is probably getting her period! :P

Prom!

Last night was prom, and it was great! We had tons of fun, and the best part was that I got to spend the whole evening with sam <3 Of course afterward almost everyone was going out to drink ect, so Sam and I went to his house and watched a movie. We ended up falling asleep together on the couch:)

What have I to hide?

Sometimes, she had to admit, just sometimes it really hurt to remember it. But she wasn't dramatic. She knew it was her fault.. all of it. All the scars. Sometimes she tried to convince herself that it was not, that there was some other involved, the reason for her memories. But Lilium knew it was but a mask, no matter what they told her, and most of all, what she told herself. It was her fault no matter what angle it was looked at from. Her fault.
She found that sometimes even a glance at what she had almost become brought her to tears. It made it impossible for her to survive as such. That was not always, though. Sometimes when her being was stable, a gentle, warm breeze tousling her happiness, she could remember, and she would not care. It was the past, she told herself, and it could fall asleep forever with it's friends of dust for all she cared.
Lilium wished she could grant herself that attitude more often. Almost always, it hurt.
She woke that morning without the slightest idea that anything would be different. It always took her so long to dress, because she wondered, would he notice if she looked better? Would he care? Probably not, but there was a small part of her that said yes, you want to look nice!
He wasn't at school that day. Of course. She wasn't surprised. And that night, when she got home, disaster (or so she thought) met her face to face. And Lilium found that he no longer wanted her. He no longer cared, no longer loved. Perhaps it had been completely false. Maybe he had never loved.
She didn't think she could survive. What else could make sense in her head? Be alone, without him, her best friend, and what she thought more. Not ever. Lilium didn't feel as though she could breathe, and in her racing mind she let herself do something that never in her life, had she been level headed would do.
It was at an instant that she regretted that choice, and she prayed to god (whom she had trouble believing in) that it could simply be forgotten, left behind.
In short, he found out, after he had again decided that he 'could not live without her'. And he hated her for it. Told her terrible things about herself, how she was worthless.
In all of this Lilium lost her will for life, lost all the will inside, and she tried to end it. Now looking back she sees that the scars still sit as they were imprinted, a reminder of her mistakes, her stupidity. And it hurts. She didn't talk to anyone. Everyday she wished that it had worked. She didn't wish to exist.
It had been another dismal day, one of which she spent alone in silence, worrying about her own problems, trying to conceal the pain. And he approached her for the first time on months.
"I.." He started slowly, quietly. Lilium could not bring herself to meet his gaze. "I'm sorry." Though surprised, she did not look up.
He sat down beside her, and she moved away a slight.
"Lilium, I'm sorry. I.. you.. didn't do anything wrong."
"What do you mean. I ruined everything." She was on the verge of tears.
"I was with someone else the whole time."
And now she felt anger at this realization. Dead, flat out anger. Everything she had ever done, everything. All her misery. For what? She never wished to speak to him again. Never.
So now she sat, still as death, thinking. The sun's rays were cast diagonally across her scars. She had them, they were there, and she had been stupid. That had to be the end. There was no more mulling to do over the subject. It was gone. Gone forever.
Lilium had changed very much. She had moved on. And best of all, Lilium was the happiest she had ever been in her life. It didn't matter anymore.

Make your own bloodied sunset

Alas, my friend, it has indeed been a while since I've bothered to update you on my rather monotonous life, and I do not mean that in a bad manner. No, besides a few small (or large) problems that I deal with in my everyday, I doubt that my life could possibly get much better than it is.
This past week has been interesting, and perhaps not all bad. I had to spend a few days alone in school because of a certain trip, but I figure that it's naught but excellent practice for next year when Sam will not be around at all in school. I shall barely see him.
I was at my invitational today, and had just ran my 1500. (in which I got 5:49, my best time, 9 secs away from sectionals. (damn!) 3rd place..) I was completely out of breath and frustrated with my time. Anyhow, I was walking and all the sudden someone grabbed me into a hug and kissed me on the cheek. Sam! I hadn't expected to see him until sunday or monday, at the latest, because of the trip, so it was indeed a nice surprise.
I did fairly well today, I think. After the meet, in which there were high winds and pouring rain as I left, I went out to Victory for the Northeast May conference where there were a few hundred people. (church stuff) Oh joy. I didn't do much but wander around and awkwardly say hi to people whom I am not very close to. I suppose the best part of today was that once again my friend from Missouri surprised my by showing up. It was nice to catch up with her as I haven't seen her in over half a year. A lot and not much has changed at the same time.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow is Sunday, and I get the privilege to sing for a band, which should be fun! After the conference ends I'll go to a practice. I'm pretty syked about the idea, and if anything it'll be a good chance to spend time with some other friends. It is not as though I do not love my friends in the church, because I do, but there is just...something. I sat there in silence tonight, not knowing what to say. Everything that wanted to creep out of my mouth would have sounded wrong, and I'm not sure how that would have turned out. I find myself much more comfortable around these other friends, and I feel as though I can more easily express myself. Moreover, I'm not silent around them. Me in silence is not a normal thing. It usually means there is something very wrong. Also, I slept through the entire youth meeting. I could hear what everyone was saying, but it doesn't register. Something about listen to what the brothers have to say in the meeting instead of chewing gum, or something. Ironic, isn't it?

Track Invitational

I love running, simply put. I don't know where I was before I could run, because it's part of my everyday life, besides today because it's my day off haha. Yesterday was a track invitation in which I ran the 1500 (1 mile) the 800 (1/2 mile) and did long jump. There were probably six schools participating so of course I didn't win anything- I didn't expect to win anything, but I broke all my personal best records, which I think is something to be proud of. I also kept right behind Jordan, the best girl runner on the team, so that's something I consider an accomplishment. I thought she would cream me but it didn't turn out that bad:)
My time was 5.57 for the mile, which means I cut off fifteen seconds and am seventeen away from making sectionals. I think I can do that. I got 2.53 for the half mile, and I can cut that down. The best part about that race was that I passed around three girls and didn't let them pass me afterward. And Sam's really been pressuring me to sprint out the last 100 meters. I did that:D And long jump? That needs work. I broke my record by a foot, though. I got 12'3''1/2 feet, and sectionals is 14 something. I think I can jump that far, I just have to refrain from faulting. (My foot goes over the line) Anyhow, yesterday was a good day. My dad let Sam drive me home, and that was nice. When I got home Charlotte insisted that I learned to drive (haven't gotten my permit yet) and bought a new car. Haha she's funny. And that's me and Jordan below:)
Well it's Sunday, and I've no idea what I'm doing today. I want to go somewhere for the afternoon, though.