Swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?

Sometimes the truth hurts but everyone has to hear it in their lives. It can be difficult to say these things, but I have to say them, and I am a little nervous. I guess I choose now to say them. First, I was musing on, about what would happen if I refused to attend any church activities? What would my parents actually do? Drag me out the door, hit me, yell, pull me out of school? Be disappointed in me, I know that much. Be angry, distressed? I wonder what they would actually do. It is my life and I wish I could have more free will...totally teen, Je sais... but what else am I supposed to do? Go on hating the life I have to live? I know I sound completely victimized but Im not happy being shoved inside this box where I can only say ceratin things and do certain things; supposed to think certain things. And now Im loosing all my friends. One of my best friends wont walk with me in the hallways any longer if im with school friends, which is ridiculous. Oh well, shes a firm believer and i respect her for that. At least she can do it, go on in that life. I wonder if she feels the same as I, like shes suffocating? Does she want something different? One thing is for sure, Im thankful for the parents I have, because I dont think she would live to see another day if she told hers she no longer wanted to be in the church. i dont think she could possibly be brave enough. My parents love me and only want whats best, as do hers, but mine arent about to shove some religion down my throat. they will let me go, even though it pains and dissapoints them. i guess thats what i am. just a sad person for giving up.
I dont really know what else to write. i have a lot of battles..mental things :P i have to fight them, i know and its one of the worst things ive ever faced. i know its my fault because i listened to my thoughts in the first place. it makes me want to cry and be depressed but i know thats getting me no where. Every minute of my life involves this... this thing in me. Its like a plague, and i know it started the day i began to care what i look like. with all my heart i want to make sure that not one of my siblings ever goes through this... namely my younger sister closest to me in age. i went through a lot of the same things shes facing right now and i know how much some things hurt. to feel completely outcasted because of... size. one is so self conscious...8th grade was the most depressing year for me. when i decided to do something about my weight it brought my whole world crashing down on me, even though i didnt know it then. well... not my whole world crashing down, but it came pretty close. along with this came a package of emotional problems that i wish i had never ever delt with. im fighting the best i can but i think if i dont see improvement then i need to take my mom and some friends advice and talk to someone. dont get me wrong, ive gotten a lot better, but not enough. i think i need some more time to see.
WELL that made my life seem really depressing and its not in the least :) I get up everyday and for the first time in a long, long time Im thankful that im there to see the sun rise and the world give birth to a new day. im crying as i write this, because once all i could think about and wish for was my life to be gone. How stupid i was! Life is a gift! its hard to think that once i didnt care for it. ever since that day... when i almost lost everything that i ever cared about i can honestly say ive lived everyday to the best of my ability. i know i need to be happy as many moments as i can possibly be. im so thankful..so thankful that god didnt let me fade away that day. I love my family and my friends and dear god, thankyou so much for saving my life. Im sorry I was ever so stupid to think that my life had no worth. theres so much to live for! So much! damn, im so happy atm, and i hope it doesnt fade. im going to help it stay. There was a person who saved me, but unfortunatly hes wrong from the churches point of view. i dont think anyone realizes how much he means to me. he basically saved my hand. ill talk about it when im a little more...free? haha...
margs listening to taylor swift so loud and she knows i hate it. i CANT STAND IT! its like the suckiest artist ever. well, thats me. i HATE it. ofc thats me, i love metal, so what can i say? Dream Theater, The Human abstract, children of bodom, skyfire, everything metal! :D Im happy. I guess I should do my math homework so i dont totally fail it. i have good grades atm :)