Swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth?

Sometimes the truth hurts but everyone has to hear it in their lives. It can be difficult to say these things, but I have to say them, and I am a little nervous. I guess I choose now to say them. First, I was musing on, about what would happen if I refused to attend any church activities? What would my parents actually do? Drag me out the door, hit me, yell, pull me out of school? Be disappointed in me, I know that much. Be angry, distressed? I wonder what they would actually do. It is my life and I wish I could have more free will...totally teen, Je sais... but what else am I supposed to do? Go on hating the life I have to live? I know I sound completely victimized but Im not happy being shoved inside this box where I can only say ceratin things and do certain things; supposed to think certain things. And now Im loosing all my friends. One of my best friends wont walk with me in the hallways any longer if im with school friends, which is ridiculous. Oh well, shes a firm believer and i respect her for that. At least she can do it, go on in that life. I wonder if she feels the same as I, like shes suffocating? Does she want something different? One thing is for sure, Im thankful for the parents I have, because I dont think she would live to see another day if she told hers she no longer wanted to be in the church. i dont think she could possibly be brave enough. My parents love me and only want whats best, as do hers, but mine arent about to shove some religion down my throat. they will let me go, even though it pains and dissapoints them. i guess thats what i am. just a sad person for giving up.
I dont really know what else to write. i have a lot of battles..mental things :P i have to fight them, i know and its one of the worst things ive ever faced. i know its my fault because i listened to my thoughts in the first place. it makes me want to cry and be depressed but i know thats getting me no where. Every minute of my life involves this... this thing in me. Its like a plague, and i know it started the day i began to care what i look like. with all my heart i want to make sure that not one of my siblings ever goes through this... namely my younger sister closest to me in age. i went through a lot of the same things shes facing right now and i know how much some things hurt. to feel completely outcasted because of... size. one is so self conscious...8th grade was the most depressing year for me. when i decided to do something about my weight it brought my whole world crashing down on me, even though i didnt know it then. well... not my whole world crashing down, but it came pretty close. along with this came a package of emotional problems that i wish i had never ever delt with. im fighting the best i can but i think if i dont see improvement then i need to take my mom and some friends advice and talk to someone. dont get me wrong, ive gotten a lot better, but not enough. i think i need some more time to see.
WELL that made my life seem really depressing and its not in the least :) I get up everyday and for the first time in a long, long time Im thankful that im there to see the sun rise and the world give birth to a new day. im crying as i write this, because once all i could think about and wish for was my life to be gone. How stupid i was! Life is a gift! its hard to think that once i didnt care for it. ever since that day... when i almost lost everything that i ever cared about i can honestly say ive lived everyday to the best of my ability. i know i need to be happy as many moments as i can possibly be. im so thankful..so thankful that god didnt let me fade away that day. I love my family and my friends and dear god, thankyou so much for saving my life. Im sorry I was ever so stupid to think that my life had no worth. theres so much to live for! So much! damn, im so happy atm, and i hope it doesnt fade. im going to help it stay. There was a person who saved me, but unfortunatly hes wrong from the churches point of view. i dont think anyone realizes how much he means to me. he basically saved my hand. ill talk about it when im a little more...free? haha...
margs listening to taylor swift so loud and she knows i hate it. i CANT STAND IT! its like the suckiest artist ever. well, thats me. i HATE it. ofc thats me, i love metal, so what can i say? Dream Theater, The Human abstract, children of bodom, skyfire, everything metal! :D Im happy. I guess I should do my math homework so i dont totally fail it. i have good grades atm :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

So today was thanksgiving, and what did I do? This year was so different compared to last year. Last year I was upstairs alllllll day and stuff. This year I didn't get up until 11.00. I just laid in bed and thought about things that make me happy and excited. I can't really say, but my head's all over the place. If someone read my thoughts I'm sure they'd find it all very amusing and shocking. Well, I guess that would depend on the person. I came upstairs and ate a banana (spelled right this time!) and shuffled about aimlessly looking for something that could entertain me. My head has been hurting so badly that I can't read at all. I'm reading FireStarter by Steven King, and it's amazing, but my head interferes. So I've been trying to edit the story I'm writing. For some reason I'm ok focusing on that. It hurts pretty badly and comes back an hour after i take meds. I don't really know what to do, but I hope it goes away. Anyhow, I got editing done, and milled about some more, and then made bracelets for the bizzarre. Oh joy. Well it was ok, I just wish I had something more entertaining. I was going to go for a walk. I drank some chai tea while beading and that helped my headache a little. By the time it was finally dinner I was STARVING. That's what happens, but it was worth waiting to eat. I was full afterwards :)

hmm?

Well I just wish that I knew whether or not my mother read this, because there are so many things I want to say, I'm just afraid she'll read them and make a big deal haha. I wouldn't blame her. Sometimes I question my ability for good decision making. I don't know if I care right now about that, because I feel cured from so many "problems" I've been having, and I feel good about myself. It sounds crazy maybe to those who know me, but I'm so happy. I guess I don't have much to say, because I can't haha. My life seems to be working out preeeeetty well :)

*sigh?

Well, mom, if you're reading this, I guess I have the freedom to say what I want, since you already know. I feel comfortable with the choices I made :) sorry I know I hurt you and everyone else, but right now, I just don't want that. I'm really happy. Even if it's what you call "fake happy" that's ok because it's helping me. I have been doing so much better lately. If I keep it up I won't have to go talk to anyone :)
Well, today was a really fun day. I wish i knew that mom didnt read this, because i would write whatever i want haha
I'm writing a story right now, and it's going very well! I finished, actually, but I'm editing. It's taken me almost four hours to write ten pages in Microsoft word. well g2g mom wants her comp!

hmmmm

WELL that was surely an adventure. Today was the thanksgiving feast and I had to sing two songs. I hate getting all nervous and stuff and then my voice is terrible. Oh well, I think it went fairly well.
Things have happened, and now Margaret and I are so close. I love it. She's my younger sister and sometimes it's really hard to get along with her, but right now, we are getting along so well. I feel terrible. I'm supposed to be her big sister and I'm possibly the worst example I could be. I do all the wrong things...and mostly, I don't care. Most of the things I do, I mean to do. I don't know. I should shape up, because I know it's probably painful for her to see me the way I am.

Subject: Annoyance

Since birth I've been "cursed" with being in the church. I wouldn't call it a curse for real, but I hate that every little thing I do is criticized by all my siblings, and at that point I'm repeatedly teased and bothered about it. I suppose I should cite and example, this thing that has been bothering me for the past...1 1/2 months? Roughly.
This year in school I actually got friends that are outside the church. Most are girls, but there are a few guys, and in the church in general it's "not good" to be good friends with boys and to talk to them ect. There is a certain boy that I became really close with. I can relate to him in so many ways, we have similar interests, and similar senses of humor. I don't think my family and the kids in the church understand that we can relate well, and that really, he is a major part in my emotional support. I sit with him and my other school friends for half the lunch period and I often walk with him in the hallway.
When my brother and the other church kids see this it seems to drive them up the wall. They make faces at me in lunch and throw stuff at me. They walk behind us in the hall and make noises and step on the backs of my shoes. At home my siblings are constantly making jokes about him and teasing me. My brother tells my mom everything, which, in turn, sets her off also. I wish they would just leave me the hell alone already!!! I'm SO sick of all of their bullshit. Sorry if you're reading this, mom, I really wish you wouldn't, but whatever. This kid is one of my best friends, and it really hurts me to see him so openly hated by everyone. He's treated so badly, but he musn't care enough to stop talking to me, because he waits for me at the corner and he just... makes me feel better :) I wish that the church ppl and my family will understand someday that I get to choose my friends and they cant stop me. Even if it bothers them they're going to have to deal with it more maturly. I hope that's soon, because I've become more irritated with them by the day!
Well, that's enough of that, I suppose. It just upsets me. Well, tomorrow's the Thanksgiving feast at the church, which means food, brothers talking and stuff, me poking at the decorations and the table cloth, making jokes with Mel and Audrey, and trying not to laugh loudly. Sometimes I annoy myself about the fact that I lack a long attention span.
The good news? I'm singing a song, while Marg accompanies me on the piano. It's a song from the song book that was sung at my grandmother's funeral. It's really nice, but it makes me feel like a hypocrite when I sing it, because I don't even know if I dent the actions of the words.
"Zion I treasure her laws are forever. Naught of this earth is of interest to me"
Yeah, I'm not a saint of any type. I'm a normal (I hope) girl struggling with everyday issues and trying to find my niche in life. I don't know where to go, which, I know, is normal. I suppose I should just get up and do my thing :)
My parent's are going on a vacation to Jamaica. I think that's nice for them, since they never went anywhere special when they got married. Seriously, they drove like 2 hours, stayed one night in a hotel, and made sure they got home in time for the Sunday meeting. How ridiculous is that??? HAHAHA that would suck. Last march (march 9, my bday is march 8 :P) was their 25th annyversary, and where did they go? Absolutely no where. Well, that wasn't really their fault, in reality. My uncle died on march 6, so ofc they stayed home. I think that was one of the most traumatic things of my life.
So, they're off to Jamaica, and my mom's insanly excited. It's so cute, she's buying like clothes for it, I hope everything works out. While they're gone for the week, I get to help babysit the kids! yay! (eugh!!!) I have nine younger than me, so this should be fun. In the older than me catagory, Em, the oldest, is away for the year, Abigail will be home, but she's a constant stress fest, so god knows how much work she'll do. Ben is never home. Mariel will def help, probably will be ordering everyone around, haha. Joe will help at a minimum. Aaron will do nothing. And then there's me. I hate being here and helping, but I guess that's my lot in life atm. I just hope I can still stay after school everyday.
I think that's slightly amusing. I hate school, but staying after is really fun. I just ahng out with my friends the whole time. If I went home then, it would be sooooo boring. There's nothing to do at home between 3 and 4 pm. This way I come home, do my hmwk, eat dinner, go to the church even that evening, come home, do whatever, shower, and go to bed. It works out perfectly for me. My mom hates when I stay after, though, because she cannot keep an eye on me 24/7. I seem to be the troublesome child, haha. Oh well, whatever. I should go to bed now. I have to get up tomorrow and go and set up for the feast. Oh joy.
That's the problem. So much of my life revolves around the church, and that bothers me. Everything I do invovles the church in some way, it seems. It angers me. It just makes life more difficult. Oh well, if my mom reads this she'll sit me down and ask me if I'm rebelling against the church.
Goodnight!

Starting this again

Well, a number of things have happened in the past...how many months since I've written this? I don't really know. I'm happy right now, and I don't want it to go away. A lot of the things that have happened are my fault, and I'm sorry for the poor choices I've made, but I have learned from them and I know that I just have to pick myself up and go on. Sometimes that's the most difficult thing to do. I just want to take the past year of my life away and try again, but if I did that, where would I be? Completely lost, that's where. There's something I want to say but I can't quite grasp at the words. I don't know. Right now I'm just happy, and that's what matters. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I think I'll pull through just fine. God, I hate being an adolescent! Everyone always looks back on their life and says these are the "best years", but how can they be? They're soooo bloody depressing, and SO confusing! Oh well, I'm sure I'll look back and say the same thing, because my life is amazing, and I'm glad to be here to experience it.