Through desperate eyes we long for the horizon, where the sun is rising.

We are all lost and broken in some way. It is how we manage those things that makes us strong. I wish with all my heart that I could be stronger. For me that means taking control.
I imagine my mind as the large expanse of a wheat field, and I am some small vessel wandering through it, lost. I trail my hand across the tops of the wheat and smile faintly. I will probably be lost here forever. Lost in this constant twilight, the air beginning to turn cool, and crickets singing. Although this idea is daunting, my heart warms. After all, look at what I can create!

You're running forever, chasing the wind

Let me begin by saying one thing, and that would be that I've too much time on my hands. I do not like to have my mind held captive in my room or house, waiting for insanity from my own thoughts. It would not be so bad if my best friend wasn't working, and my boyfriend's mom wasn't sick so I could spend time with him, or, even better, he would stop being a pansy and come over my house. That's not possible anyhow, seeing that he's no way to get over here. Neither of us drive, and my sister refuses to do anything nice for me these days. I suppose it is because she so disapproves the course I've chosen for my life. That is alright.
I've spent the entirety of this vacation in my room waiting for it to be over. I admit, I've cried about everything and nothing. It's childish of me, but my frustrations can be let out in no other way. I've no ideas in my numb scull for a story; a problem that drives me absolutely mad. I had some sort of fabrication of two brothers (or sisters) who betray one another, but it's proved a hateful task and will not work.
I haven't even TALKED to Austin in almost four days now. It does make me upset, but moreover it makes me angry. Something needs to change or else I wont be able to deal with this much longer. He hasn't even met my parents, for god's sake, and we've been dating for 7 months on Tuesday. It doesn't bother me that much, I imagine the prospect of meeting my family somewhat terrifying, but it needs to be done. I suppose I'm done complaining about that.
This week my mother, and everyone older than I besides Mariel are gone down to Oklahoma to see Ben graduate from BT. After this, he'll go to Texas to go to medic school. I realized that I most likely wont see him until sometime in summer, and I began to cry. This would be another crying about everything and nothing happening. Oh, vacation and the fact that everyone else has plans but I, I truly hate you.
Well, now that I've cried a bit, I have the impulse to cut my bangs, but I can't, track commences in 2 weeks! There is something to look foreward to. Even if I'm completely lonely, I still have running. Wah:(

It's not a silly little moment, it's not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we've been working on.

Failure.

I suppose lying to myself is not the resolve. Sitting on the floor in that small room, nose running, eyes watering. The unspeakable. I went almost two days without it. My failure will not pull me down into it's lair, will not wrap it's dark arms around me and put me to sleep, forever a slave of it's painful task. No, I will stand, and I will continue to chip away at my task. This is not over.

This one is for you

There comes a point in one's life where they must stop acting as though the entire world is against them, attempting to foil their happiness every time they breathe. I think that point needs to come for me. I'm tired of letting my feelings ruin potential happiness. I just need to relax and let life smack me hard. And I will not flinch.

Drama

Sometimes it helps to have friends that wanna do shit with me. Just throwing that out there. not really, though. It would seriously help if I didn't have to plan on going to church every fucking weekend. What kind of retards have church on a Friday night?? And they wonder why people who leave are so extremely spiteful. They ask for it, in my opinion. I HAD to plan on church tonight so I could have Sunday, and then I got left home because there wasn't enough room. So now when all of my friends are out, I'm home alone in my room. One more year. One more year.. of this bullshit. I don't know that I can do another year of this. I don't want to exist.

L'espoir.

I was talking to my friend's mom today, and she said, "I admire people who have hope. The best thing you can do is stay positive!" It made me think. Everyday all around me scary things are happening to myself and others, and I react to everything in the worst ways. So, I decided I should make a list of things that make me happy and keep me going. Things that give me hope.
1. Spring. I can't wait for the snow to melt,so I can get back on the roads and run!
2. June. That means graduation, and something new. It's terrifying, but exciting at the same time.
3. Austin. Yeah, okay, go ahead and say, "he's just a guy", but it's the longest I've been this close to a person, and every time anything happens he's extremely encouraging to me, and no matter what kind of mistake I make or have made, it doesn't bother him. I have a lot of self-esteem issues and things of that area, and Austin is always smiling and telling me that it's nothing, I'll be okay. The fact that I have someone near to me always willing to listen and spend as much time with me as possible is huge.
4. Emily. My sister has so many qualities that I too want to have. I want to be less self-centered and consider the people around my more often. I want to do what I can for them.
5. Track. It will help me relax more about myself, and it will keep me busy. I will probably get stressed, but in the long run, that stress is way better compared to winter's darkness. The snow is beautiful, but I hate it for what it does to me.
6. My mom. God, I do nothing around this house. I try sometimes.. but I honestly do nothing. There's no justification for how little I am around, but my mom is still supportive of me. I need to be around more. In the end, my family will matter more to me than a stupid story I'm writing that no one really cares to read. I love my mom because no matter what choices I make, no matter how it pains her, she still loves me just as much as any other child, and encourages me. She doesn't put me down for making different choices and that means the world.
7. Cassi. She's my best friend, and we've both talked eachother through tears, and laughed so hard we've cried. I hope I don't loose her, and I hope we aren't lost to eachother within a few years. I know that happens to people, but I need her in my life. We're basically twins in all that we do, except she doesn't find Christian Bale as attractive as I.
8. My dad. Thank god I don't have a dad who refuses to let me do anything. Thank god he doesn't force me to every church thing possible, and is going to kick me out the day I turn eighteen because I don't like the church. We have a compromising system, and I'm thankful that he sees my point of view, and no matter what he thinks of it, allows me some freedom. It could just as easily be the other way around.
9. Ben. I can talk to this guy about anything, and when things go bad, he's the one that will talk to me for three hours straight and make me look at the bright side.
10. Good people who are non-religious. I'm a stubborn person, and I will not bend. When I see people in this world who are good, with no religious obligation added, I have hope. It is possible. It's possible to be good without the delusion of 'it's for god, so I can get into heaven', because if those people with religious views had no god, they would be terrible people. This is why I love people who are good for no reason. They give me an extreme sense of hope.
11. Myself. This is the most important thing. I am strong in some ways, but weak in most. I have hope that someday I can be the best possible, and I can overcome these things that hold me back. I can be loving toward others, and good. I have so much to look forward to in my lifetime. The story will end, but I will leave behind my footprints. I will leave this place happily.