Fall to your knees, discovering nothing...

I can't lie when I say that sometimes it feels very much like too much to bear. It gets so heavy that I alone cannot sustain myself, it seems. But then I'm still alive, and I feel insanely happy and excited about the future. It's almost as though I can't stomach the happiness. And then it fades again when I'm not even thinking about it. Memories of the terrible thing I did keep coming back. I don't know how to keep them away, and every time they strike I feel weighed down with shame and depression. I was forgiven by both god and him, but I don't feel as though I deserve it. I try to convince myself that I'm only human. I should make mistakes in order to learn from them. Surely the pain must pass with time, right? Then why has it worsened for me? I'm a wreck sometimes, and I can't help it at all.
Like I described earlier, sometimes I'm very happy. These periods last in short burts before I calm down or the sadness sets in. I still harbor a hope for the future, though. I hope with all my heart that this will pass with time, and that I can change my thoughts. I try to think positively and I believe I will succeed sometime. I will be better. Sometime. And these pics? Oh, they're simply for your entertainment :)