I am tired of hurting inside. I am tired of this inexplicable ache that will not cease. Around every corner is another person I must pretend to be happy for. I want to feel joy. I want the flutters in my stomach and to feel my heart skip a beat from something other than anxiety. I crave the sun on my face and chest, and wind in my hair that isn't bitter and snowy. I want something to hope for. But all of those things seem a thousand miles away, and I'm stuck in the in between place. Self centered, self destructive, a failure, a disappointment. Somewhere between suicidal and okay, and I don't know how to get out.

Guilt. That is the one emotion I can't seem to get out of my system. I'm sitting in front of my open window, listening to the snow fall. It's quiet outside. Class was cancelled today and all I can think about is my headache and the guilt I feel that I'm not sitting in a library somewhere with my face buried in a book about burn trauma. Things have not been right lately. At first I wasn't sure, but now I'm very certain that I have not been happy for the past four months. I can't say I know the exact reason. I'm afraid that I've allowed myself to feel so much, I am losing my ability to feel the things that I need to. I no longer enjoy my solemnity or my morning walk to school. Maybe it's the snow, but maybe it's me. Back to the guilt. I feel guilty because i have drifted apart from my family, and many of my friends. I am home with both of my sisters today, but I was downstairs for a total of ten minutes before I returned to my room. I didn't know what to say to them. I don't feel a need to sit and talk with them. I feel guilty because I nearly can't stand one of them. Everything she does makes my skin crawl. The way she eats, talks, sniffs, dresses... I feel like I don't deserve the people that care about me because right now I don't feel I can care for them back. The other night I stormed out on someone. I know he cares about me, and I used to feel that way too. That was over a year ago and I don't feel the same anymore. I haven't. I feel bad when I don't go see him, so I do sometimes and pretend I care. I know it's the wrong thing to do, but barely anyone spends time with me. Anyway, he begged me to visit him, so I did. When I got there, he was very drunk, and decided to take it upon himself to be, for lack of a better word, an absolute dick. So I left. He tried to follow me, but I peeled out of his driveway. I thought I would at least feel angry, but I didn't. I felt nothing besides a desire to go home and sleep. I'm not sure what is going on in my head, but I need it to stop. I need to feel something besides the pain I have inside. This frustrating ache that I have no reason to have! I feel selfish and stupid, but it won't go away. I need something positive to focus on, or I'm afraid I might give up.