I don't understand how people can write daily. Even though I had plenty of spare time this week, and I'm on break and got my projects done early, I did not. I haven't sat myself down and created something meaningful in months. It has been a constant, non-stop day-to-day bustle that I absolutely hate. For the past four months I've gone to school Tuesday through Friday. Some of those days start at 05:00 and end at midnight. From Friday through Monday, I work. On top of this, I have exams, paperwork, projects, and a struggling social life. Unfortunately it is verging on non-existant. I can almost blame myself for that. Good 'ole Jim broke up with me about a month ago. It was certainly a surprise to me. I saw him about four times a week. I always tried to make time for him, and we got along very well. I had called him to ask a question, and just like that, he said he didn't have feelings for me anymore. He hasn't said a word to me since. I was hurt and shocked, but things are a lot better now. The positive side of it is that I drink less, spend less money on gas, focus more on school, and have time for other things. What other things do I do? Lay in my bed and watch movies, if you must know. This is very exciting stuff. The semester will end in about a week and a half, and I'm thrilled. If everything goes as planned, I have one more and I will be finished with nursing school. I'm both proud and terrified to say that I'm graduating in May. I must add, I'm now an aunt! My brother and his wife welcomed Anya Jade into the world a month ago. She's absolutely beautiful and I get to meet her for Christmas. That is all the exciting and riveting material I have to share of my current comings and goings.

There is nothing better than healing.

Here we are again. I'm currently sitting at the front desk at work, trying to keep myself awake. I suppose staying up till six-thirty in the morning wasn't one of my best schemes, but I've already proclaimed myself The Queen of Poor Decisions. Here we are again. Summer slipped through my fingers. I can barely remember anything about July. Unfortunately a summer spent working is not really a summer at all. I'm not sure I can say it was better than school. It was less stressful, to say the least. I always find myself at the beginning of things. Last time I wrote here, I was starting a new job, I had a new boyfriend, and I had done so very well in school. I thought perhaps it was the beginning of success for me. Maybe things would be different, and I would not find myself stumbling and groping blindly through life, always doubting that I would make it through. And now, I'm sitting here writing, and I am very much at the beginning of things once more. Before I explain, I have only one thing to say in my defense. I am not depressed. To begin, there is school. I started my third semester of nursing last week. To say the least, I am terrified. I can't afford to fail, and I cannot by any means afford to slack off. A small part of me is very excited. The light at the end of the tunnel is finally visible. The rest of me is curled up in the corner, rocking back and forth. She fears everything before her. Independence, repsonsibility (which I already have a great deal of), and failure. What will I do if I don't make it through? Be the big disappointment like always? I do not have answers. Then there is another ex boyfriend I must check off my list, much to my chargrin. My friends always tell me I know how to pick them. I certainly do. I began to realize very quickly how much of a child he was, and when he tried to take control of my life and my decisions, I blew the whistle on the little bastard and waved goodbye. So that's that. No hurt for me, but another person I have managed to hurt. I left my mark. The last thing. I am sick. It's not something I have ever been able to talk to my family about. It's not something I feel comfortable discussing with my friends. Right now, I'm 5'7" and weigh 112 lbs. I could not tell you the last time I was this light. The clothes I wore in highschool at the height of my physical health are too big on me. The sad thing is, I'm proud. I should not be, but I am. I see pictures of myself at a healthy weight, and it disgusts me. I wont write about it. I don't feel comfortable. There is very little else to say. My family is well. My brother and his wife are expecting our first grandchild in October. I realized today while looking through pictures from the past couple of years that I've missed out on a lot. I'm never around, and in every picture where everyone else is smiling and happy, I'm not there. Once again, I have to say, I am NOT depressed. I'm very happy. I suppose it is how busy I am that makes me the way I am. That is all I have to say. There are linens to be folded and pediatrics to be studied.

Spring

I completed another semester of nursing. There were times when I could barely get myself out of bed. I didn't think I would make it, but here I am. This time next year, I will be graduating! Life is good. I'm working full time, but I'm barely scraping by. By monday I never have money. I guess it all goes to gas and loan payments. God, it is stressful. But life is going. I think I found someone who makes me happy. I can say confidently that I have feelings. He's a sweetheart. For once, I'm happy. I'm happy. It feels so foreign to me. I didn't need him to feel this way, but he makes it more real to me. I like the way he laughs, looks into me with those big brown eyes. I like the way his hair falls around his face, and I like how I make him nervous. He tells me I need to gain weight. I'm sick. I feel like its never going to end. I don't eat anything but fruit, and I replace meals with iced coffee, cigarettes, and runs. I've lost 15 pounds, but its not good enough. It's so strange, to know that what I see and feel about myself isn't real in other people's eyes. What I see isn't the truth. I know that much, but I can't seem to change it. I haven't told my family about Louis. They're so judgmental. I'd rather save myself from the sneers and petty harassment I'd receive because I choose to live a different life than they do. I don't feel a need to tell them. Anyway, that's all I've got today.