At the present I'm lying awake in bed, crying and wondering at my pathetic existence. When will I finally get hit by a goddamn car? I don't understand why I feel this way. Why I cry. I feel as though the small things that I have control over are too, slipping from my grasp. I have no safety, and worst of all no one to fall back on. My life has becomd a monotonous cycle of school, trying to give a fuck about church, my family, and empty weekends where I sit home alone (unless I've gotten myself into attending a church function). I haven't seen my best friend in weeks, I've been told I'm cheap, spineless, unwanted, disliked. The only people that text me anymore are guys that want one thing. Well you know what? Go fuck YOURSELVES, because you're not fucking me. That's what I am. I am not real anymore. For once I want someone to talk to me with no other motive. I feel so incredibly angry and pathetic and useless, I do not believe I can articulate my exact emotions. The only thing I know is that for once in my life i would like to be happy and know that I wont be absolutely miserable a week later. It always comes. This fucking cycle! I'm not going to make it. I can't anymore. Not like this.