Musing

It's difficult to find the words to describe how I feel about you. I feel as though I've found something warm, safe. As soon as I feel that overwhelming comfort you slip from my grasp, like a breath on the wind, and I'm trapped in a cobwebbed corner waiting for you to come back. So I can loose you again. You do come back, stumbling against the wind and ask me to open my arms and pretend nothing's gone wrong. I always accept, and we start over.
I wonder how many others have contemplated this exact concept and wondered, just as I do, what is worth it. Where do we quit? I do not believe I'm ready yet. I still cling to hope that things will work out.
There are just a few short weeks of school left. I'm practically dying to graduate, but at the same time I feel pain. Of course, the adults reading this probably roll their eyes and sigh. It's just high school. It's the only thing I've known outside of the church, and it's the first time I've acquired friends that I feel I've connected to. Unfortunately a lot of the seniors are still not too fond of me, and my best friends are juniors. I don't know what this means. The only thing I can say is that I tried. I gave myself one year to become good friends with the older class, of whom I hadn't known well prior, besides a few. These I am good friends with.
Tomorrow is the last day of track, as I have no chance of making sectionals. Last year I did, but not this year. I pulled a muscle in March, and I tried to let it rest. Unfortunately, knowing Molly, I'm terrible at taking breaks from running. Both my right knee and hammie never healed and I've run only moderately good times this season in terrible pain. It's strange. Last year I was excellent at the 1500, but this year I'm five seconds away from sectionals for the 400 and an entire 20 for the 1500. It only means I'm faster. Every time I run I cry because of the pain and frustration. Running was the only thing I was good at, and I'm not anymore. It doesn't matter because I'm graduating, but I wanted more than anything to make sectionals this year. It kills me that I'm not good enough. All of my friends, both girls and guys are going to sectionals. What the fuck am I supposed to do next week when they all have sectionals track practice? Sit home and knit? I have to take almost an entire month of after tomorrow to heal. Maybe I'm just selfish and jealous. I don't care that they're going, I'm frustrated because I'm not. This has been the worst year athletically for me ever. In cross country I had an asthma attack at leagues and was put in an ambulance. At sectionals for xc, I sprained my ankle terribly in the mud and had to be take out of the race. To sum up my running career: I'm a fucking failure.