I do not know what's wrong with me. For over a week now I've been getting extreme headaches and migraines almost everyday. Today was the worst. I have three detentions this week for wearing 'short' shorts, which I refuse to change out of or stop wearing. Every time I'm caught wearing them, I get a detention. It's totaled four now. Anyhow, I had one today, but I skipped and rode the bus home because I could feel a headache coming on. That was a catalyst to today's migraine, but what else could I do?
By the time I got home I could barely walk. I layed down on my bed (Which is blankets on the floor. As I've expressed prior, I hate beds.) I felt much like Emily Tallis from Atonement, in that I couldn't possibly do anything but listen to the noises around me and try to avoid thoughts of my raging head. There were, foremost, birds singing and the sound of the curtains against the window, pushed gently aside by the breeze. Then there was my brother playing his acoustic, a slamming door, whose vibrations made their way quickly down the house. It was an explosion in my mind.
I didn't do anything but lay there, eyes half closed, tears streaming down my face. I can't imagine the kind of pain some people go through, because I can barely endure this. I'm just.. ehh.. dramatic.

Musing

It's difficult to find the words to describe how I feel about you. I feel as though I've found something warm, safe. As soon as I feel that overwhelming comfort you slip from my grasp, like a breath on the wind, and I'm trapped in a cobwebbed corner waiting for you to come back. So I can loose you again. You do come back, stumbling against the wind and ask me to open my arms and pretend nothing's gone wrong. I always accept, and we start over.
I wonder how many others have contemplated this exact concept and wondered, just as I do, what is worth it. Where do we quit? I do not believe I'm ready yet. I still cling to hope that things will work out.
There are just a few short weeks of school left. I'm practically dying to graduate, but at the same time I feel pain. Of course, the adults reading this probably roll their eyes and sigh. It's just high school. It's the only thing I've known outside of the church, and it's the first time I've acquired friends that I feel I've connected to. Unfortunately a lot of the seniors are still not too fond of me, and my best friends are juniors. I don't know what this means. The only thing I can say is that I tried. I gave myself one year to become good friends with the older class, of whom I hadn't known well prior, besides a few. These I am good friends with.
Tomorrow is the last day of track, as I have no chance of making sectionals. Last year I did, but not this year. I pulled a muscle in March, and I tried to let it rest. Unfortunately, knowing Molly, I'm terrible at taking breaks from running. Both my right knee and hammie never healed and I've run only moderately good times this season in terrible pain. It's strange. Last year I was excellent at the 1500, but this year I'm five seconds away from sectionals for the 400 and an entire 20 for the 1500. It only means I'm faster. Every time I run I cry because of the pain and frustration. Running was the only thing I was good at, and I'm not anymore. It doesn't matter because I'm graduating, but I wanted more than anything to make sectionals this year. It kills me that I'm not good enough. All of my friends, both girls and guys are going to sectionals. What the fuck am I supposed to do next week when they all have sectionals track practice? Sit home and knit? I have to take almost an entire month of after tomorrow to heal. Maybe I'm just selfish and jealous. I don't care that they're going, I'm frustrated because I'm not. This has been the worst year athletically for me ever. In cross country I had an asthma attack at leagues and was put in an ambulance. At sectionals for xc, I sprained my ankle terribly in the mud and had to be take out of the race. To sum up my running career: I'm a fucking failure.

Sunshine

I had a heart stopping realization the other day. I had gotten home from the track meet and was freezing, wet, and all around tired. I went into the bathroom to take a shower and while undressing, had to do a double-take in the mirror. I blinked, studying my face and the smooth, imperfect curves of my body. It hit me like a bucket of cold water.
I'm beautiful. The green eyes, blond hair, defined jaw. I looked my long, thin torso up and down, following it's wider parts carefully. I'm perfect for me.
For the first time in my life I don't care what others think of me, and what they have to say. I don't mind if others think I'm ugly and fat, or if they think I have a perfect body and a gorgeous face. I care about what I think, and for the first time in.. so long, I love myself. It's one of the best feelings in the world. It was so exciting I called my best friend and told her through tears. I told Austin too. He smiled, kissed me on the cheek, and only said, "It took you long enough. I already knew that you're perfect."
It's called something new. It's called rebirth. It's called freedom.

Innocence and Instinct.

I believe that is life's composition. Innocence and Instinct. Either one is doing something purely out of ignorance, or they're doing it because in SOME shape or form they believe it is what they must do. It is right.
Prom happened this weekend. There is a terrible picture of Austin and I, but all the same us. Today is out nine month. I really do appreciate everything about him in some way(: I do hate how a lot of people tell me I have terrible taste. No matter what they say I'm still going to love him. It only matters what I think.
I'm registering for fall semester classes, and I realized that I wont have class on either Thursday or Friday! I hope to god this means a job, more running, or free time in general. I won't mind a job, though. I'm probably putting my hopes far too great, and next year will be terrible in some way. How should I know? My stomach is knotting up and my palms are sweating at the thought of it. Oh god.