Things I think about

Here are some things, long and short-term and I'm excited for:
1. Tomorrow. I get to be with Austin!
2. The end of the school year. I'm anxious to graduate, and for summer. I don't mind school, but I'm ready for a new page. Thank God I doubled up!
3. Monday. Yes, I have to go back to school, but I get to go to track practice! I love running, especially with my friends.
5. Friday. I'm not particularly a person who likes to dress up, but I'm a little excited for prom. I guess it's because I get to go with Austin.. yet again, haha.
6. Today. As it is Saturday, the day is an open book with a clean page. The only thing set in stone is that I will go for a run. Other than that, bring on the adventure!
7. Real Spring. It's still gray, cloudy, windy, and cold. The leaves are almost here and for me, that is real spring. It will be refreshing.
8. Swimming. I need a cold, clear lake to jump into, particularly Cranberry Lake!
9. Ice cream. Everyone knows that spring and summer equal vanilla soft serve. This is one thing I will not stress over eating.
10. The first weekend in June. All eleven girls in the family are going to the ocean in Delaware! This is going to be interesting.
11. Emily buying a house. There's a possibility that I will get to move in with my sister for when I got to college, since her work is RIGHT next to my school.
Things I am anxious for:
1. Running today. I can't relax until it's done, and it's done well.
2. Tomorrow. I get to go to Austin's relatives house, which I'm nervous for.
3. What I will eat today. I'm terrified that I will loose myself. I had a relapse last week, and I'm starting all over again.
4. Next year. I'm terrified of college. It's exciting, yes, but I have far more things to worry about.
5. My story. I want the one I've finally begun to write to work.
6. My relationship. Who isn't anxious about this? Sometimes I think I'm in too deep.
7. What I'm doing today. It's exciting, but at the same time I do not want to spend the entire waiting to do something.
8. My body. I hate how obsessed I am. I hate it. By the end of this year I'm going to earnestly say that I'm beautiful. I can't yet, but I still have a few months. I believe in myself.

Tonight will be the night that I fall for you, over again

I hated the realization that I am scared. The idea of being alone left me curled in a corner asking myself why I put myself through the things I do. I suppose the answer is that because in the end, the pain is worth the happiness.

I'm tired of waiting.

Circus Maximus makes everything better. This weekend consisted of me doing nothing on Friday night, while my best friend worked, and the rest of my 'friends' went to Zach's house, in which I was not invited. I suppose I just never caught wind of the subject at school. Yesterday was better. Me, my mom, and all the younger kids went to the library and then got subs from my friend's work. After this, I went with a friend to lake onario and we walked around for a bit in the freezing rain. It was actually quite relaxing and I enjoyed our conversation. We ended up driving a man who's car broke down into town, at which point I pulled my comrade aside and pointed out that this was a scenario just like those from Criminal Minds. I said that we should not give him a ride, because he was too nice and he was going to kill my friend, Sam, and rape me. He rolled his eyes at me, a small smile playing across his lips.
"Relax, Molly, I got this," he said in an extremely sarcastic tone. So we took the man to his friends' house and everything was fine.
Sam and I then commenced to be pulled over where we were accused of having pot on our persons and badgered by the officer for being the ages we were and hanging out together. Silly Sam told the officer this:
"Don't worry officer, I'm not her boyfriend. We're just friends. She has a girlfriend." Why thank you, Sam. That is just what I wanted him to think.
Having nothing to charge us with, the officer was forced to let us go, and I spent the night at my absolute best friend's house, Cassie.
Here is why I love Cassie:
1. We are always thinking and feeling the same things.
2. No one ever appreciates our sense of humour but each other.
3. She listens to what I have to say and is sympathetic.
4. I can say anything I want around her and completely be myself.
5. She adores me for who I am(:
Today I went with Austin to get his tux for prom. (An affair I am absolutely not excited to attend and absolutely abhor!) He told me that we couldn't actually spend time together today, even though it is Sunday, the day of the week in which we always hang out. The rest of the weekend we do whatever the fuck we want see each other in school during the week. I was quite put off, especially because his explanation was that he was tired from soccer and he had to get his tux. I already knew this wasn't true.
I looked him in the eyes and informed him that he should simply tell me that he's going to a friend's party, involving other friends, some girls. I already knew, thanks to Cassie. He looked a bit embarrassed and admitted that yes, that was why. Why couldn't he just tell me, instead of lying, I asked. I wouldn't have cared, I just do not appreciate being lied to. I keep telling myself that I don't mind that his friends don't like me, because why should they? I'm just a senior with them this year, when I should be a junior. I can't simply expect them to like me. I also understand that people rarely like couples at their parties. I am not well-known nor well-liked by them, but still, I am tempted to be depressed by the entire situation. Austin and I will spend time together if I can make time for it. I'm not mad at him for the entire party incident. I understand that he didn't want me to be upset about not being invited. I'm merely disappointed because he's blowing off our day together, which we had established a policy in which we would not do such a thing. Oh well, I know he still loves me; I can tell by the way he looks at me, the way he whispers it. The only reason I put up with his nonsense, I feel the same way. I feel it makes up for how extremely depressed and moody I myself become. It is not rare.
So now I sit on the floor in my room recording this extremely useless information, putting off the job of cleaning the stairs, foyer, and my room.

We must simply resume

This week is for learning that I can put myself first in some situations.

I'm so tired. So, so tired of this world. It can be beautiful, but at the moment I'm here to complain about it because there's only one person that would listen to me and agree, an d she's five hours away.
There's no need to fret. It's stupid dramatic shit that won't mean anything very soon. Mark. My. Words. I'm almost through with this.

Life is terrifying. It is difficult. It is frustrating to all breaking points. But life- the vitality of everyday.. it's dazzling.

The days are blurring together in an endless slur of unimportance.