Elegiac

It's none other than a day in which I cannot make myself believe in vitality. Although sunny and lukewarm, the world is a cold and lonely place. No matter how we try to surround ourselves with friends, family, love, we will always be alone. I think of all the suffering this world has to offer, and so little joy it contains. We are invariably alone.
It was all non-coincidental. I put myself through the pain, trying to glare at factors which brought me joy. I failed. I dwelled on that of which made me cry; sink into that dark desperation. I am well aware that no one else will understand the feelings I embrace. They are my personal hell.
Austin was in a dark mood today, and I tried to be lighthearted in order to cheer him up. He only replied with the question of why I try to do so, because I am always miserable. It was a bullet to the heart to hear those words from his mouth. I am often miserable, even if I appear happy. I have a believable mask. It was a terrifying, depressing truth.
Whenever I write here I promise myself that tomorrow- tomorrow will be better. I will prod through the darkness of the day for the good things. I will smile. This time I will promise myself no such thing. I will rely on a slight sense of hope that tomorrow I can be less self-absorbed.