Hurrah for community college- because I'm not smart enough!

This past week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. I had to miss Friday and I will be missing Monday and Tuesday because of my surgery yesterday. I knew this the entire week and struggled endlessly on trying to get all my work in on time. Lucky me! The fucking library at school lost my entire essay for Civics. The ENTIRE fucking thing. So me, crying, went to the teacher and informed him that he wouldn't get it until after Thanksgiving vacation, and that I was sorry. He told me that it was my fault.
So, I got my report card. Incomplete for civics. 'Molly failed to turn work in on time.' Funny. I'm the only person who had to write that giant fucking essay because I transferred in after five weeks. I'm on fucking probation even though my lowest grade is Chemistry- 82. Regents chem, too. Fuck the school and their goddamn policies. I hate them so much.
I had my surgery yesterday, and the dentist said I was going to look pretty swollen because he had to dig so deep for my wisdom teeth. That, my friend, was an understatement to the extreme. I got blood all over my shirt and fainted in the shower this morning. I'm in so much pain right now I can barely think.
To top off this entirely LOVELY affair of a week, I got a letter from Crouse School of Nursing today. I had filled out the application including my dates for SAT's and ACT's, and sent in a transcript with the entire application form. They said my Algebra grade from 9th grade (when I was fucking 14??!), although it was passing, was too low. They also said I don't have my SAT/ACT grades, and a few other things. Essentially, I'm not getting accepted because of my algebra grade. Basically all my plans for next year have fucking collapsed on top of me. I'm a fucking failure and I have to go to STUPID GODDAMN community college. I can't even manage to get into a school. Even if I wasn't graduating early they wouldn't accept me.
So now that I'm having a breakdown.. I have to live at home for longer and I don't even know what I'm going to do. I don't want to live here. There are too many kids, I'm going to have to go to church more, and it's so messy and stressful and terrible no matter what I do. I cannot even think. (That may have something to do with the pain killers that barely work, by the way.)
So I'm thinking OCC, living there. If they have a nursing program I'll take it. I'll just be a fucking failure, while both my brother, Aaron, and my sister, Mariel, attend Crouse because they're smart enough. Worst day of my life.
We're having Thanksgiving tomorrow, so I'll just sit at the table and be miserable. That's fine with me. I wish I could go for a walk, but I can barely stand. Austin was supposed to come over but I look like so much shit I can't stand the idea of him seeing me like this. So a few friends of Ben are coming over, and I don't want to be here.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't made Austin that promise.. that night. We were sitting against one of Sam's dad's tractor things. It was before we were dating, and we were just good friends. I honestly didn't know him that well. It was a party, and everyone was playing Man Hunt. We randomly decided to hide together, and found this spot. So, creeping through the dark and laughing hysterically like maniacs, we crouched behind the piece of equipment and waited, stifling laughter. After about ten minutes we became restless and made ourselves more comfortable, and began to talk.
About two hours passed, and we didn't even think about the game anymore, but just sat there talking about everything. That was when I realized how deep he is, and how funny he is. I had already started having second guesses about who I was with. Of course I didn't DO anything, but I knew that I liked him. Those feelings I suppressed, though, because he told me all about this girl he had liked for years, and how bad he felt because she hurt herself over her boyfriend. From there we began to talk about self-inflicted pain. He mentioned my arm. The scars are still very visible.
It's true, I didn't know him that well, but Austin took my hands and made me promise- promise I'd never, ever do that again. I did, and I haven't since, but sometimes I wish I could. It's times like these that I wish I hadn't made that promise. I would never, but I never learned how to get my stress and pain out in another way.
Anyway, I broke up with Sam soon after that. It wasn't because of Austin- I thought he was still into that other girl. I just knew that Sam and I weren't meant to be. He never cared enough for me, never ever made the effort. I was his little side project, always getting pushed further away. So that ended, and then Austin asked me to hang out with him, and pretty soon I knew I liked him like crazy. We hung out a few days a week in August, more so in the end too.
It was one of those weird things. He told me he had given up on liking the other girl, but I always thought he was better than me, and didn't dare to hope that he felt the same way back. We went to the movies with a few other people, and now that I think of it, it was SO obvious! He say in the back of the car with me, and we both had our hands on the seat about three inches apart. Then in the theater he sat away from the other guys and had me join him. I feel slightly foolish about this, since it was so obvious. The thing was, I swore to myself that I wouldn't be the one to make the first move. For all the other relationships I've ever been in, I've always made the first move, so I swore this time the man could do it.
Nothing happened that night, and I still doubted that he liked me. I didn't feel good enough. A few nights later I was at a family party, and he and I constantly talked to each other. (of course)I suppose that was when he couldn't hold it in anymore and called me. He told me everything, and I agreed that I felt the same way. This was about a month after breaking up with Sam.
We ended up hanging out the next day. I always had to tell my mom that other people would be there, because we weren't even together. She hated the idea of me hanging out with anyone outside the church in general. She still does. It wasn't a lie, since Jimmy was there. In time he left, and Austin and I went on a walk to the park. It was a little awkward because we hadn't further discussed out feelings and neither had made a move.
He layed on the picnic table, and we just.. talked. This memory is pretty blurry, since these always are, but to make a long story short, he kissed me, and I've loved him ever since. It's been three months, and I have to say, this kid saved my life one way or another. I haven't struggled with my eating disorder, nor have I cut myself.
Of course, when everyone figured out we were dating (a month after I ended a 6 month relationship) they assumed I was some sort of whore who cheated on Sam. He hates me now, but there's nothing I can do about that. I guess it's the way things turn out. I felt terrible about it for a few days, but I won't ever hate him. I can't be that kind of person, because I've made too many mistakes in my lifetime.
I didn't expect this to come out today, but it did. I'm calmed down a lot by thinking of it, so I suppose it can be my escape. Community college (the thought still makes me cry) wont be that bad. I'm going to be fine:)