I just want to let it go for the night. That would be the best therapy for me.

Today is the same as yesterday. I have nothing to say.

Today has been overly depressing, and although there have been attempts to convince me that it's not my fault, I know deep down that it is. My room has been my prison of choice today, and I have chosen to not leave it. It's quiet and warm, and a very good place to be angry, hopeless, and depressed. It's a good place for me to cry my eyes out for no damn reason. Oh, aren't I lovely?
There's is not much for me to say right now. I have no way to express my anger. I want to break something. Most of it is because I cannot find a reason for my attitude.
I feel like I have no future, which is not true. I even came close enough to wish that the end would come already, or I'd make it. But I won't ever do that. I made a promise.
I feel depressed on account of the above feelings. It's the worst feeling, but things could be worse. I don't feel like being optimistic. I have a reason for being so angry right now, but I'm keeping it blocked away. I certainly cannot tell Austin at the moment. I don't want to yet. I already tried to, and it didn't make an impression on him.

Composure

"Do you want to talk about it?"
She manages to choke out a laugh, staring at the distant city. The hilltop's tall grass shimmers in the breeze.
"Do I ever want to talk about it?"
"No."
From there the silence between them droned on. It created an ever widening trench. Above, gulls soared, and the sun peaked from behind the clouds. It was only dully warm on her cheeks, but the tears sparkled all the same.
"You don't always have to be strong, Molly. You don't have to pretend you're alright. No one's perfect." His voice seemed far away, but the words still cut through her. She could not bring her eyes to him.
"I.. I want to be okay. For you."
"Then talk to me, and let me help you."
She could see the tall stone buildings of the city. They were white. It seemed that the far away paradise could never be reached. It was too far for her, anyway. Tall, green trees stretched up from within it's depths. It was the most beautiful place she'd ever seen.
"How can I start." It wasn't a question. Her words were defeated by the tears, the gasps from crying. "I lied to you from the start. I was never okay. It was something I told myself. I said it would happen with time.. b-but it hasn't."
Her eyes lowered to her lap, where his hands had come to rest atop hers.
"And that's not the end. It's my fault for not seeing-"
"No, don't you ever, ever say that!" The girl's voice rose and echoed into the city. The sun went away.
"Then tell me what you want, and I'll be here for you every step of the way, Molly." He took her into his arms, kissing her on the forehead. A shudder ran through her, and she closed her eyes.
"I want to live to see tomorrow's sunrise. I want to see it fall behind the hills in the west, too, and I want you to be there with me. Always."
-Lilium

Never enough

It's there, lurid fingers wrapping around her neck. They're cold. They're angry. She can feel them tighten. It doesn't matter what tomorrow is, and it doesn't matter what yesterday was. The depression always comes for her and she's like a soldier unarmed facing the dragon.
"That's what it is." Her whisper is soft. The girl lies on her side. The floor is cold, hard beneath her. Eyes are empty, staring out into an ocean of nothing; it's greyness stretching on forever. "A fight that I'm going to loose."
Outside a snowflake falls, and her breath comes in.

Hurrah for community college- because I'm not smart enough!

This past week has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. I had to miss Friday and I will be missing Monday and Tuesday because of my surgery yesterday. I knew this the entire week and struggled endlessly on trying to get all my work in on time. Lucky me! The fucking library at school lost my entire essay for Civics. The ENTIRE fucking thing. So me, crying, went to the teacher and informed him that he wouldn't get it until after Thanksgiving vacation, and that I was sorry. He told me that it was my fault.
So, I got my report card. Incomplete for civics. 'Molly failed to turn work in on time.' Funny. I'm the only person who had to write that giant fucking essay because I transferred in after five weeks. I'm on fucking probation even though my lowest grade is Chemistry- 82. Regents chem, too. Fuck the school and their goddamn policies. I hate them so much.
I had my surgery yesterday, and the dentist said I was going to look pretty swollen because he had to dig so deep for my wisdom teeth. That, my friend, was an understatement to the extreme. I got blood all over my shirt and fainted in the shower this morning. I'm in so much pain right now I can barely think.
To top off this entirely LOVELY affair of a week, I got a letter from Crouse School of Nursing today. I had filled out the application including my dates for SAT's and ACT's, and sent in a transcript with the entire application form. They said my Algebra grade from 9th grade (when I was fucking 14??!), although it was passing, was too low. They also said I don't have my SAT/ACT grades, and a few other things. Essentially, I'm not getting accepted because of my algebra grade. Basically all my plans for next year have fucking collapsed on top of me. I'm a fucking failure and I have to go to STUPID GODDAMN community college. I can't even manage to get into a school. Even if I wasn't graduating early they wouldn't accept me.
So now that I'm having a breakdown.. I have to live at home for longer and I don't even know what I'm going to do. I don't want to live here. There are too many kids, I'm going to have to go to church more, and it's so messy and stressful and terrible no matter what I do. I cannot even think. (That may have something to do with the pain killers that barely work, by the way.)
So I'm thinking OCC, living there. If they have a nursing program I'll take it. I'll just be a fucking failure, while both my brother, Aaron, and my sister, Mariel, attend Crouse because they're smart enough. Worst day of my life.
We're having Thanksgiving tomorrow, so I'll just sit at the table and be miserable. That's fine with me. I wish I could go for a walk, but I can barely stand. Austin was supposed to come over but I look like so much shit I can't stand the idea of him seeing me like this. So a few friends of Ben are coming over, and I don't want to be here.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't made Austin that promise.. that night. We were sitting against one of Sam's dad's tractor things. It was before we were dating, and we were just good friends. I honestly didn't know him that well. It was a party, and everyone was playing Man Hunt. We randomly decided to hide together, and found this spot. So, creeping through the dark and laughing hysterically like maniacs, we crouched behind the piece of equipment and waited, stifling laughter. After about ten minutes we became restless and made ourselves more comfortable, and began to talk.
About two hours passed, and we didn't even think about the game anymore, but just sat there talking about everything. That was when I realized how deep he is, and how funny he is. I had already started having second guesses about who I was with. Of course I didn't DO anything, but I knew that I liked him. Those feelings I suppressed, though, because he told me all about this girl he had liked for years, and how bad he felt because she hurt herself over her boyfriend. From there we began to talk about self-inflicted pain. He mentioned my arm. The scars are still very visible.
It's true, I didn't know him that well, but Austin took my hands and made me promise- promise I'd never, ever do that again. I did, and I haven't since, but sometimes I wish I could. It's times like these that I wish I hadn't made that promise. I would never, but I never learned how to get my stress and pain out in another way.
Anyway, I broke up with Sam soon after that. It wasn't because of Austin- I thought he was still into that other girl. I just knew that Sam and I weren't meant to be. He never cared enough for me, never ever made the effort. I was his little side project, always getting pushed further away. So that ended, and then Austin asked me to hang out with him, and pretty soon I knew I liked him like crazy. We hung out a few days a week in August, more so in the end too.
It was one of those weird things. He told me he had given up on liking the other girl, but I always thought he was better than me, and didn't dare to hope that he felt the same way back. We went to the movies with a few other people, and now that I think of it, it was SO obvious! He say in the back of the car with me, and we both had our hands on the seat about three inches apart. Then in the theater he sat away from the other guys and had me join him. I feel slightly foolish about this, since it was so obvious. The thing was, I swore to myself that I wouldn't be the one to make the first move. For all the other relationships I've ever been in, I've always made the first move, so I swore this time the man could do it.
Nothing happened that night, and I still doubted that he liked me. I didn't feel good enough. A few nights later I was at a family party, and he and I constantly talked to each other. (of course)I suppose that was when he couldn't hold it in anymore and called me. He told me everything, and I agreed that I felt the same way. This was about a month after breaking up with Sam.
We ended up hanging out the next day. I always had to tell my mom that other people would be there, because we weren't even together. She hated the idea of me hanging out with anyone outside the church in general. She still does. It wasn't a lie, since Jimmy was there. In time he left, and Austin and I went on a walk to the park. It was a little awkward because we hadn't further discussed out feelings and neither had made a move.
He layed on the picnic table, and we just.. talked. This memory is pretty blurry, since these always are, but to make a long story short, he kissed me, and I've loved him ever since. It's been three months, and I have to say, this kid saved my life one way or another. I haven't struggled with my eating disorder, nor have I cut myself.
Of course, when everyone figured out we were dating (a month after I ended a 6 month relationship) they assumed I was some sort of whore who cheated on Sam. He hates me now, but there's nothing I can do about that. I guess it's the way things turn out. I felt terrible about it for a few days, but I won't ever hate him. I can't be that kind of person, because I've made too many mistakes in my lifetime.
I didn't expect this to come out today, but it did. I'm calmed down a lot by thinking of it, so I suppose it can be my escape. Community college (the thought still makes me cry) wont be that bad. I'm going to be fine:)

November.. I suppose.

Winter is coming, and as dreary as the November weather is to me, I somehow find beauty in it all. There is a stifled excitement and prospect of the coming snow. I hope that I will not one day regret these words, but I believe this is the best school year I've had yet. Of course the work is rather difficult; two years in one can do that, but I feel so.. glad! There are so many things right now that I would not change for the world.
Nothing of real consequence has happened to me lately. It seems almost everyday passes with some sort of happiness that I do not hope to change. Yes, the stress is sometimes more than I believe I can handle, but somehow it always is okay. I'm having all my wisdom teeth pulled on Friday. Yay. I'm slightly nervous, but moreover non-commentable on the subject. (besides the fact that I get drugs. just KIDDING)
My oldest brother, Ben, is leaving for the army this coming Tuesday, so we are having our Thanksgiving early, on Sunday, and we're having random house guests over as well. One of which may be my boyfriend. I'm guessing it will prove to be very interesting, since we've been together for almost three months and he has not met any of my family besides two of my brothers. Of course I may have swollen chipmunk cheeks on sunday, and if that is the fact, I would not like to have him see me in such a horrifying state, as it is. Good thing I'm a vegetarian. I don't have to worry about not being able to eat Turkey, eh?:)

This is Never Over

Everything's withering; dying. And I'm terrified. I tell myself that this winter- this winter will be different. I'm going to be better in so many ways. That's what I tell myself, at least. If I were to pray, I would pray for that. The road to recovery is bumpy. There are potholes that throw me off into the muddy ditches of failure. From there, I have to pick myself up and say that it's alright, and climb back onto the road.
I carry my pain with me. To some it, may seem minimal, and perhaps these things that I cannot allow to slip through my fingers are, but in my eyes they will never be.
They say that pain fades, and in a sense, yes it does, but it leaves behind something even worse. That is fear.I have a fear of what I could become if I allowed myself. I know that it will very slowly eat away at everything I've ever been. It will destroy me. God, for the sake of those that love me I cannot let it happen! I must be strong this time, not for myself, but for my family, my friends, for those I love.
I'm getting better, and I hope. I believe that's why I sit here now, writing in a place I swore to never write again. It's not as though I woke one day to discover I love. No, I learned it, and it learned me. There is this unexplainable connection that we humans allow ourselves to feel. Since the dawn of time it's been such a fascinating subject to almost all. I cannot say I feel any different than those, because I feel it too. It's not incredibly clear why I feel the need to say that, but I do.