I know the face of anger, of pain, of sorrow, of happiness. I know the face of depression. It's always flipping itself over inside of me and I can never decide of which I want to be. In reality, of course, I want the feeling of joy to overflow in me. I want to be the person who's always smiling. I know a few people like that. Not me. I'm the person always struggling to smile through their tears.
It always feels right on the inside, but I don't know if I'm right or not. I don't know what is right. I feel like no matter where I am, I'm feeling a personal pain. Perhaps I'm too self-centered. That feeling of happiness is there.. but then it fades and I'm in the darkest dark. Within minutes to sometimes hours, though, I'm back to the first, and I can never say why I felt the latter. It's a terrible affliction.
I want to go to nursing school, and I've chosen the one I want to go to. My faimly is skeptical. They want me here, and there, but not where I want to be. Every single fucking choice I make is contradicted by them. I feel as though they look down their noses at me. I'm always wrong. Always.
It's always "you shouldn't be doing that. You should break up with Austin. You should go to the meeting. Go to church. You shouldn't be doing a sport. You should go to norway, not school. You should go to CCC." Why don't they just kill me? Evidently I'm doing everything wrong. And here, my friend, is an example of my anger.
I don't know how this bad seed has sprouted within me. I do not like the feeling of it, though. I dont like the bipolar. I want to be happy, and good. For the most part I am that. There is always something inside me that likes to hinder it, though, and that's what makes me angry.
I suppose that's enough.