I've spent today's entirety sitting on the floor in my room crying and reading "Atonement", because I'm a failure at life and I can't deal with things.

I just don't know anymore. I feel stuck in the middle like I don't belong. I feel unwanted tonight; that's just me being selfish. Or maybe not. I feel like I'm being messed with by the one person I thought wouldn't do that to me. A part of me is screaming her hopes that it was a misunderstanding.. he didn't mean it. But how could he not?

Erase myself, and let go of what I've done.

I fucked up that night. So what, don't we all? It was 10:10, and I had just returned from the youth meeting. I decided to jump on my Facebook for a moment. Nervousness had been eating away at me all day. All week, actually. I should have seen it coming. And there it was, the message from one of my best friends. He knew.
Everything rushed at me so quickly I couldn't think. I was too hysterical to try to be logical. The only thought that crossed me: I don't want to exist.
So on Wednesday, January 27, at 10.13 pm I put 32 slashes to myself. I remember the blood. Oh god, the blood everywhere.
Since then I've come a long way. It's been a year, and I'm a completely different person from what I was. There is nothing that's the same. I guess I'm proud of myself for becoming different. A lot of things have happened since that night, and everyday I'm stronger. I'm thankful for everyone that helped me through it.. pretty much helped me get over myself in a sense. That would be my mom, my oldest sister, and Sam. I know he doensn't care to talk to me anymore, but I will always have him to thank. I have things to do now. I have living to do(:

Dodge Ball

Here is a list of things I want to do:
1. Run faster
2. Forgive
3. Live
4. Not be ashamed of the choices I make, and the things I've done in the past.
5. Have a more open relationship with my mom
6. Keep my friends close
7. Make my relationship work
8. Walk on my hands
9. Write some more
10. Make sectionals this year
11. Smile everyday(:

Today me, my bestest friend Cassi, and basically the cross country team competed in the dogeball tournament. Cass and I only made a team to get back at our bfs' since we weren't allowed to be on theirs, because we're 'bad at dodgeball'. Funny, though, they had to have two girls on their team.. one of which I utterly hate. I have my reasons, and notice the list. Am I trying hard to forgive? Heck no! Not yet, at least.
Anyway, I was the past person in, and there was one in on the other team. My disadvantage was the fact that he was amazing at throwing, and he caught my ball:/ We lost the second game too, but the awesome part was out outfits. We were wearing our rainbow SHORT shorts from cross country, knee high socks, and headbands. I may put a picture up sometime haha. Anyway, it was really fun, and Austin admitted that I'm pretty damn good at playing dodgeball, so HA!(:

January twenty-seventh is coming. It's on Thursday.

White Waters

I see a silhouette. It's sinks into the shadows, but I can feel my fears standing still. Like a cold wind that whispers through my hair, it's words are like clock work. I know where I'll find myself in little time, and soon after that I believe I'll feel as though all hope has vanished. I will drown in despair.
I've tried keeping a coin in my pocket, and I've tried pulling on my hair as a reminder. Why, then, do I find myself in the same miserable alleys? It's this evil I've committed myself to for a year and a half.
Today.. today has meant nothing to me. I had a thought. I looked at the children, and realized that they have a few short years to be what they are before growing up. Then they must spend sixty years acting as though the world doesn't scare them. That's how I see it, anyway. The world still terrifies me. I can say that because I'm still a kid. I scare me.
There isn't anything on my mind. I have the wish to sleep forever right now. I know that with the skip of a stone I'll be whispered away to another state of mind, and there I will question myself. Why did I feel so hopeless yesterday? There is always tomorrow, and there are people that love me and would do anything for me, so why was I so depressed? Why, goddammit?
I cannot go far away. Today the weather is almost a lukewarm, but not enough so that the snow would begin to melt. I cannot go far away, so I can only paint a picture in my mind.
There is a lakeside, overshadowed in a place by great willow trees, whose old roots stretch tiredly into the water, sliding slowly over rocks as time strolls on. The water is cold and clear, and looking down, you can see these roots and the silver fish that hide among them.
The banks are overgrown with soft, deep green grass, and the sky overhead is a dull gray. A breeze blows in off the water. It's soft and cool, tasting of the lake. You lay next to me in the grass, resting your head in the palms of your hands. It is silent, save for the sound of water gently lapping at the shore. It is perfect.
We can hide here until the snow melts.

Hallelujah

Those are just some pictures I thought would be fun to put up. I wish I hadn't cut my hair, but it will grow back. I really want to make the picture of me sitting in the shopping cart with pads my senior picture, because I never take anything seriously. Well, almost nothing haha. Well I have a high fever so I think today's going to be a homework/writing/movie day.
Last night I was with my kidd, Austin. I was fine the entire day, and then around 18:00 I started getting a really bad headache and was freezing all over. I felt bad for getting a fever, but he didn't seem to mind. The only problem is that I hate being babied, and he.. well, likes to do that to me sometimes hahaha. Anyway, he had me listen to this, and I started crying. It's a really good cover. My favourite part is:
She tied to you a kitchen chair, broke your throne and cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1_o-VGp-t4

Chasing the Wind

Sometimes we sit forward in our chairs, so prepared to embrace life. Sometimes we forget that this is it.
That's how I've felt this week. Even though I failed miserably today, I did well for two days straight. That's a major accomplishment for me. I almost literally tackled Austin in school today, grinning like a fool. I gave him a huge hug, and I just couldn't stop smiling. He asked me what was going on, since Austin is well.. Austin in the morning. Tired, a bit disheveled, and not ready for my random spurts of hyper. I simply told him that he should be proud of me, and I suppose that was enough explanation for him. I doubt he had any idea what I was talking about, but it was okay.
I don't feel like he should be anymore, after my failure. I'm not miserable, and most of all, I'm not hopeless. I did well for two days! That means this time I'm going to do three.
I'm really hoping for a good weekend with Austin and Cassi.. and all the rest(:

This vicious cycle; something's broken. It's so unnatural. I'm not okay.

who should we look to if all we know is burning branches?

For the first time in what seems to be forever, sleep has enveloped me in her warms embrace. For the life of me I cannot escape her alluring smile; soothing whispers. the aspect of sleep nears indescribable, to be lulled away into a world of paradise, fears, and misery every night. I hope I will not have to envy those who can sleep peacefully every night anymore, although sometimes I will miss the silence.
My mind is like the aftermath of an earthquake. Every time it turns itself over I discover new fears and worries that need to be sent on their way. There are many things I can say no to. I can deny the painfulness of those things, but there are some that I can't say no to on my own. It's no matter of how many times I tell myself I can, or how many times I'm told that all I must do is say no. There was even the suggestion that it's because I'm selfish. Maybe so, but all of these things haven't benefited me whatsoever. It's still there. It still roars.
All I know is that life is happening.

They're lucky I like the number 11!

New Years resolution my ass! The only resolution I've made is to restrict the sodas I drink to purple drink (grape), which I only get about once every 1-2 months. Therefore, I'll almost never drink soda! Cool, man. I have nothing else to say. The idea of a 'new page' is bullshit. I'm still going to be forced to church activities and I'm still facing the same problems. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, but all the same, nothing has changed. I guess that's up to me, even if it means hurting my family and changing myself.